One of the things I like it more about being home its that I can comfortably go to the bathroom as much as I want, I have a very good stomach, it never gives me problems, though I keep eating kinda the same food all the time, its my kidneys that became very active, its difficult to find a bathroom outside when its needed, or in the middle of some class, of course they let me go most of the times, but it gets annoying having to ask again and again, I just go anyway without saying a word.
Its not like Im sick of my kidneys, on the contrary, it makes me feel much better, it started at late highschool when I began to drink water, I almost never did, its like some body functions went back to life, I felt much more awake, back then it wasnt much of a social bother, maybe because I just didnt care and went to the bathroom any time I wanted, then it happened again when I was my in home year, at the first college it kind of interrupted, with a bunch of other health problems, now at the second college I keep going again, theres not much people attending so its not that troublesome, its been ok but not like in my room at all.
It all went really bad in that first college, mentally and physically, there was a lot of anxiety from me, being in a wrong place, it was just the beginning and there was so many problems with money and inadequate habits, emotional too, there was no way I was going to stand all of the four or more years, it was sort of the same when in highschool, but at the first college I was more aware of the surroundings and what was going on, it was so awful, not only on the outside, inside my body as well, I never noticed before how did my brain worked, it was so normal for me all those years, then I could tell, my right side is not really working, its there but, for some time I thought I got a big brain tumor, but its not that, its actually like a huge trauma, though I never ever hit my head in my life, I have no idea of how could it happened, its all numb and I cant think with that side, it hurts to the touch, the injury is very large, how come I never noticed before?! this is so complicated, one day to wake up and its happening, though it always did, I just didnt figure it out for some reason.
How can I still be like normal for so long? how it was possible for me to do my everyday stuff? I can feel my right side, yet I cannot create thoughts nor anything with it, sometimes the pressure its too much and feels like bursting, from what I can tell, my left side has mirrored the right, and kept going on as normal, when did this happened? sounds too big for not knowing, I have no idea, Ive never been in an accident or such in my life.
It didnt stopped there, the anxiety kept building up, and so my pulse, it started when I was going to the first college, but it burst later when I was at home still poisoned from it, and it all, it was, so weird cause, what happened is that my blood pressure became very strong, once I thought it was the anxiety, and it was but, theres something else, such strength, I could feel it along with a huge imbalance, I kept having those unintelligible desires, and my body felt like numb and bursting, of course I couldnt tell anybody, I dont like doctors, I also dont have the money for them, theres no one to talk to, its all myself, like it has always been, all of my life I have healed myself, and this was not the exception.
One day I really wanted to die, I had this incredibly strong and stable emotions inside me, it was a great storm between my life and the silent forces inside me, dead was not an escape nor whatever, it was actually fun, for some abstract reason it was something nice to do, to live through, I wanted to, I supported the forces inside me to break everything around, why? because it truly felt good and fun, no nagging, no crying, no pushing, nothing else, I could see a good way of living in myself, but such a big storm brought destruction in its path which was my body, so my arteries started to rip, it was kind of the same with my head, except that those werent torn before, then I could feel them, going to my head, belly and both arms, a sharp pain in every one of them at some location, the weird fluid sensation, attaching arms to torso, and finally stop moving, to a dream and a purplish stain around the nipples, somedays too large, others not much, it kept happening in a controlled way for months, even a year, and it was completely normal, eventually the stain reduced and disappeared, seemed like scars covered the tears, yet those were still broken, the scars are not that strong, an incorrect movement or a direct hit and the arteries may rip again.
I really though I was practically dead, yet I continued living, it feels very weird cause I never made the decision by myself, I just woke up one day and I was living the structures of, something different.
One day I bought a large pizza because I thought it was the last day, the last night, not that those are that big, what was and actually happened was the indigestion next morning, eehh, so stupid, though tasty.