To think he is the same boy from the stories before, to travel and to crush, but theres a main difference to be seen, there he had a passion in his heart, and even to give his life away, here is like a living corpse, I always thought Wingless was for the lack of power, now I realize is from the lack of life.
It always feels better at home, not that I have fun things or something to do, all I have is second or third hand stuff, theres some old deteriorated furniture, old used up bed, old blurry tv, most of the clothes are good and new, the room walls are stained, the bathroom equipment is rusty and leaks, theres a half box of cookies in the closet, the entrance door is falling apart, its a big room but I have nothing to fill it with, and I cant think of anything, I do collect everything that ends up here forgotten, it is here cause nobody else wanted it, many times I dont want it either, I just keep it in case is needed someday, I dont know if Im going to be able of getting it again.
Theres a computer downstairs, I have a lot of fun playing with it, but its kind of a pause from my normal activities not part of it, Im the only one who uses it now, its kind of old, I wish I had it here in my room, but everybody thinks its important and expensive so dont want me with it, they say Im going to break it, meh, what can you do.
I do create a lot of games with what I have, sometimes I play ball, others whatever I can imagine, all while waiting for something good on tv to watch.
Sometimes I see porn on the computer, if theres an internet connection, some months there is and others dont, I obviously have no money to pay for it, whatever I like I keep on burned cds and store them in my room, I have no way of reading the disks with my hand, but I just put them in the closet, oh! but its not pornography, its other stuff, I think porn is bad, like evil or something, thats what everybody around me thinks too, when I watch it I like it for, eh, its not really that I want a relationship with those girls, or maybe I do, I have found out that it is a pleasure thing, something that feels good in the middle of all the painful emotions, like scratching when its itchy, you keep doing it and feels good.
I did had a girlfriend, but not really, she was a girl from highschool, kind of good looking but at the same time ugly, I dont know, she used to have a lot of boyfriends before but quit, and then she met me that way, she lives near another friend I frequent and, I guess she liked me and I was there, I did touched her, we did kiss, she did touch me, but nothing happened, mmm, I must say, I kind of unplugged, I used to blame it on her being so difficult, but it was, actually me, I guess, I lost what everybody else says it the best thing ever, I should have just taken her, I could have had tons of sex and become a great man, yet, Im not sure I wanted her as my girlfriend, I, Im not sure why am I doing this, all of these.
I think the main problem is money, since I dont have any, and the little I can get I keep it to myself, the girls dont stick with me after a while, Im gonna blame it on that, if I had money they would stay beyond the bad periods, I cannot be in the same mood all the time, and I dont think theyre worth for giving the last I have, its a huge turn off when they get greedy, and that happens all the time, I feel like nobody wants to play with me, they want to play with popularity and money.
So mostly I stay in this room and play whatever I can, every week I look at my old wallet, theres my id, the social security paper where it says the number, I dont really need it, I got it when I pretended to work, but I keep it there; a phone card I found on the ground with a credit of six pesos, I dont really have anyone to call so I dont think Im ever going to use it; and finally like two hundred or luckily three hundred pesos in cash, every week that I look at my wallet I get worry and the thought of immediately getting a job passes through my mind, yet it is useless, and its the same every week, at the end I just stop worrying, spend nothing and keep doing what Im doing, waiting for a good tv show to see.
I still have a couple of male friends from highschool, theyre kind of lets say not popular, contrary of what everybody wanted me to hang around with, including the girl I liked then and her friends that got annoyed by it but later didnt mind, theyre smarter than the average, and I had fun with then, well, kind of, were very different and it gets difficult, yet we have kept seeing each other after some years. Now that I remember, in highschool there was a nice teacher that was intelligent and spoke interesting things, a total opposite of what everybody else was doing, I really liked him, it was nice to hear him talk. I started to chat with him, then my friends, eeh, so called friends stuck and talked too, it was a nice but very weak and disintegrated community. Now I only see two of them, the ones I call friends, I see them on the weekends or sort, I wish they were more committed to do fun stuff, but they hold back all the time, even with their own wishes.