Nobody knows, I wouldnt dare to tell anyone, not that I hold secrecy of my previous lets say craziness, I would never hold back, but for this one I do for some reason, its my more intimate secret, somehow. Its not that much of importance, it, it doesnt even matter, its kind of like nothing, I guess.
After I finished highscool and was in my home year, then is when I first saw her, at the tv, in a show about, ahg, it was a show my so called mother liked, watched everyday and bragged about, I didnt care for it until I watched her there, and then I was too a fan of the show, though not really, only hers.
I wish I could have made cds like with other computer stuff, but I couldnt watch it there and didnt know how to get them, there was an old vhs with my old box tv, so I bought tapes to record her shows and other stuff I liked, eventually it was all her, one tape after another, it ended up as a couple of precious tiny mountains, though one day the vhs broke and I had no way of looking at the low quality recordings of her, I felt sick of it so I thought it was ok, I just kept the tapes in the best place of my closet.
About her, shes very pretty, very very beautiful, incredibly, and, and, everything good I can think about, I know it sounds ridiculous to say that way, like some fool in love, the problem is that I have in my head a huge description for her, which kinda worries me a lot, I dont want to go crazy of something that just appeared in my mind one day, I never say it but Im actually scared of whats going on, and a little scared of her, somehow, shes kind and graceful, yet Im scared she might hurt me, really bad when she finds out Im seeing her, ahg, I better forget about that, its just some classic paranoia, nothing more, though I cannot see the logic of it, everything has its causes but I cant see what provokes this, so strange, I am proud of not being normal, but I never done something that goes so faraway.
Anyway, keeping the happy thoughts, it was extremely fun to watch her on tv, and very sad and frustrating when it ended, I always wanted more and more, I have her on tape, but those are the same scenes I have watched a million times, Im always glad to see new ones, and afraid as well, of seeing something different than a deep emotion in my mind, something I cannot figure out, but so far its been good, I, I dont know why I am doing this, sometimes doesnt scare but makes me cry, why is all of this happening, why her? why now? I know its not the first time Ive deluded myself, yet I always ended up seeing those girls for who they were, I wonder if it will happen again, now with the actress, the lovely, cute and charming actress, I, I think I fell in love with her, but how? not to be rude, I love her, but how? how is it possible? after struggling with my emotions, at the last moment I give up, not finding an answer, I love that actress, I wish I was near her.
By the way, I dropped of college, again, I failed some classes cause of the absences, Ive been feeling very bad in the mornings and can barely wake up, I even helped the teachers by giving classes to the bored to death students, yet I was the one to fail for something so stupid, they said they needed a doctor certificate, and I hated it, I made a document saying that I could help teaching activities to other students after school for free, as long as they had some patience with my problems, of course they didnt care, they kept giving the faculty decision to another, to later complain to the one who made it, so I dropped, happily did, screw those idiots, Im not going to die for them, I am tired of sweating all the time there, and looking weird cause it was more from the right armpit than the left, I even thought of wearing diapers under my arms, Im so glad to be gone, I didnt liked anybody there, and nobody liked me, it was worthless.
I could get away with this cause I planned before, when I saw the troubles coming, it was obvious cause I used to get seriously ill yet there was no support anywhere, one time I missed like a week and nobody cared, my idiotic so called mother kept sending me to school, it didnt mattered if it was pouring rain and the avenue was flooded, everyone in this dumb pathetic town knows that the Suns mall gets heavily flooded, but what can you expect from someone who doesnt care about you and in that shape sees you as a burden.
Theres a cheap college very near home, I wont need to take the bus, its one block away from the Stars park and from the massage place where that blonde girl was murdered. I lost another year of college cause they wont count the classes I did before, but its ok, the cheap college course is one year shorter, Ill finish even sooner, and yes, its very cheap in comparison, not even with the scholarship was this cheap, in my house they dont have any money so they gladly accepted, and I dropped college once again, happily did.
Theres still only 200 hundred pesos in my wallet, everybody says to think of the future, I, I dont think I can see past this very day, I dont think theres anything beyond the night, I get very dizzy, I, I have done good, to get out of that place, before it was too late, now will be nice at the new college.