Happiness of Marionette 01 ~Wingless~ ch 09

I thought it was going to be better, but it was worse, now I know why it is a cheap college. There are a lot of differences, some much better, many awful, at the second college I kept comparing it with the first, now I keep comparing the third with the second, Im never happy about those places.
What I have really liked is that the cheap school is more practical, I already learned useful stuff, not just academic and moral, the teachers are actual lawyers with teaching as a second job to get some extra money, they get bored by the school program and start to talk about their experiences and work. The place is much smaller, the desks are a metal chair with a table attached, very uncomfortable, the people just horrible, I thought they were going to be more humble cause of being poorer, but theyre more greedy and bitter, without a care for anything that aint money or their version of good time, I totally do not fit there.
As usual, I get so bored that I go outside, I already met a couple of highschool girls there, cause theres a highschool as well, with one it went fine but since I didnt paid her for anything she followed her own way, that was annoying and Im glad nothing happened. Escaping from classes is something I have done since I can remember, but now is very different, cause Im so close to home and the school is a big house adapted for it, I literally have no place to go, theres a tiny library no one ever sets foot in, a bunch of tables on the middle with some useless bookcases by the walls, you cant even hide to be with yourself for a moment, and theres no other place in the small school, normally I would go out but those are my home territories, theres no point, I might as well just go home and get done with it, I usually do anyway, the classes end at 12pm but Im home by 10:30am, saying that it ended earlier, going upstairs and having breakfast while watching whatever I can find on tv, its like I never even went to school in the first place, whats the point then?! though feels nicer to end that hell earlier.
The actress, the beautiful actress I watched on tv, I still do watch her, but, its so painful, after such a long while I, I realized that, I am never going to meet her, I may be able to watch her on tv and see her photos and info from the internet, yet, its just light from a monitor, sound from a speaker, data from a wire, shes not here, she never was, she has no idea of who am I cause I am no one at all, lost in this pitiful world. I wonder why did I get so attached to her in the first place, and a bigger question is, how is it possible that it still goes on after such a long time? I know its wrong and crazy, I know she has nothing to do with me, that shes married and has children, her own friends and family, I do not exist in that world, I dont know why but it tears me apart, it makes no sense, even saying Im completely crazy makes no sense, I would gladly walk into one of the local mental institutions if they werent so awful and full of the wrong answers, Im aware of everything, I accept defeat and my lousy life, but even so it never goes away, I realize that it must be something else, its not about some actress I watch on tv and, I dont even have dreams about her with me, I have never imagined myself having sex with her, not even hanging around, in my dreams I only see her but I dont see me, how could that be? its not like I want to be an actress, nor famous, not even rich, I would have done something here.
Theres something about her, or what I think is her, I have read the abstract thought a million times yet never been able to decode it, now it rips my insides everytime I see her, so I stop and turn away with tears in my eyes, eventually I check on her again, whatever I can get from so faraway, maybe if there wasnt internet I would have stopped already and forgot about her, this is so huge and out of my reach that it keeps dragging me from one emotion to another, its out of my mind, like wind in the storm, pulled away by the moon, as she sweetly gains control, “what are you going to do with your emotions, that you barely recognize?” at the end is that, theres no point trying to change what has happened, I need to figure out some way of keep going in the middle of this vicious whirlwind tearing me apart, I can do everything, Im sure of that, but I dont know what to do.
Not that I havent tried, I even created another Illusion of Love from another girl on tv, shes redhead, for some reason I thought I really liked redheads when I was younger, she is in a show about, ahg, it didnt work at all, I do like her, I think shes great but, I found out my normal feelings for her, I just like her, thats it, I dont have any romantic feelings for her, I tried for a long while but there aint any, it was such horrible news cause it could only mean one thing, go back to the actresses grasp, not to sound rude but Im extremely sick of her by now, I wish I never found her.

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One Response to Happiness of Marionette 01 ~Wingless~ ch 09

  1. Pingback: About: Wingless 07-10 | AuAu Over

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