He disappeared but I dont need him anymore
Through the vast and empty world
You could do what he could not
My pretty little Marionette.
Path of Dolls ch 01
Hi… hi… hehehe, arent you scared?… no, I already know you… you are hearing a voice inside your head, have you gone completely crazy?… the voice comes from me, and Im not scared of me… hihihihi… I find it funny, “oh, this is how hearing a voice inside your head feels like”, I thought it would be creepy and weird, but its not, a little disappointment I must say.
Theres, mmm, like three things that has helped me live in this world of terrible boredom, first are my pets, the people downstairs ended up having pomeranian dogs, and one of them lived with me after a bunch of circumstantial stuff, I named her Charlene after something I saw on tv, nothing important, Im not good with names anyway. Eventually she liked to be with me, so I brought her upstairs, I took good care of her, she was very spoiled, the vibration was very different than the one downstairs, and she really liked it so she stayed with me, she was my only friend for such a long time, I gave her priorities over other stuff for so many years, yet not over the neurosis and related. She died in advanced age, peacefully, I did good with her but I know I should have done much better, most of what I worried about all my life was worthless, I should have being different, before she died.
Second, long ago I found out that I really liked music, it was a language that could communicate from the depths of my emotions so easily, though it wasnt always very good, it started ages ago with some lousy portable boombox going through all the radio stations, that didnt last long cause I never liked what was on the radio, nor social music, nor party music, nor whatever they want me to hear, I neither liked fake music, I want them to actually play and sing, I didnt like commercial stuff, for obvious reasons, at the end, for I dont remember what reasons, I ended up hearing about the music from NY so many years ago, Im not from there, I dont take drugs, I dont so many things, yet I liked it and stuck with it, many of my previous burned cds went to the trash then.
Third, games, since I was in highschool it has become a huge breath of fresh air, a different world, an actually fun one, at least in comparison, it started with a couple of games that were a gift from one of my so called sister boyfriends, the only one she had at that time, was not bad, I guess, everybody liked him, the games were about slaying monsters in the underground of a cathedral and intergalactic race wars that kept my sanity in those ancient times.
The second and the third came from the computer downstairs, I kept the first at my side happily sleeping while doing the other two, though it was difficult cause I had to share the computer with other people, with my so called sister and for a year with a so called cousin girl who came to study at the same first college I was for a year, then I could see such a huge difference between her experience and mine, I guess money had a lot to do with it, she was comfortable and looking for the future, I was struggling with everything, its easy for me to blame it just on money, but I know everything goes much deeper.
Normally, I was able to use the computer in the mornings while they were at school, later when I went to college too, it was shared time, so annoying. Time fixed that, as it fixes so many things in this world that needs to move, cause at some point over the years they both moved away in their life plans, but not me, I was there as always, and the rule that said all their junk went to me still applied, new computers were sold and no one really wanted that old one, with the rest having no idea of how to use it nor interested in it.
So called mother- Im gonna clean the floor, dont come near here.
Reo- Ahg! Im busy doing something! why does the computer has to be here? I should take it upstairs, nobody else uses it anyway.
-No, no, no, the computer stays here.
-Why do you want it here?
-Youre not taking it with you.
So called aunt who is visiting- Let him take it to his room, he is the only one using it.
So called mother -No, hes going to break it.
So called aunt- Take it to your room, its ok, you have my permission, we will put something nice in this place instead, Im going to change the living room back home, theres some things Im gonna send you (bla bla).
Yey, finally, thanks so called auntie, your pity for me and common sense is very useful at times like this, and its great that you live faraway so you dont get too pushy with the way I live, now to take it all upstairs, this is going to be great.
Where are you going to put it?… theres plenty of space in the room, by this wall will be ok, next to the tv and in front of the bed, ugh, everything is so dusty, and the computer furniture is so bulky, I guess it would be good for storing things, but I dont have any for the computer, and the fake wood is coming apart anyway, and at last Im gonna make good use of this “studying” chair, theres a lot of cables but will be done, I just have to figure out what goes where… you look happy… of course, Im gonna have some privacy now to enjoy what I do… how come you havent learn how to put it together after so long?… cause it wasnt mine, I learned a little when I was borrowing it, but now its my personal belonging, its going to be very different, Ill remove anything trash, create a file organization system and improve everything I use it for, it will be great now that I can have it as my own, youll see.