Long black hair, smooth like silk, intense color, completely natural, elegant and sophisticated over one of her many night dresses, but it wasnt completely black, it was actually a dark tone of brown, it was just hard to realize without the proper light.
The first thing I talked to him about was the most important of them all.
Ashes to Illusions 01
Today I have a weird mood little one, I have a lot of things to do yet I dont want to do anything, sure Im missing something… yesterday was such a great day, maybe today its good to let it settle down… I really thought we were getting somewhere, but thats another story, anyway, lets do something fun now… like what?… a fun story of course… weve been doing good remembering about everybody, but I really wanted to stop and focus on someone we have not talked much about… let me guess, grandma, right?… I want to know more about her, she seems very interesting, I want to have a relationship with her… for what I can remember, we never met her properly, all the information came from mother and genes… I wish we could meet her, Im very curious to know her, I, I want to relate to her… and have your own story with her? be careful, mother would not appreciate it… thats part of why I would be doing it, she could never forgive her, I wish this whole thing was over and we could all forgive each other, and live together, and, and I feel like an idiot trying to fix something completely broken just because Im lonely… its the bloodline, we get a lot of attraction with our explosive genes… how come it happened? how it was before grandma? there must have been so many people in our bloodline… the power only came from mom, everyone else was just propense to get a little crazy, sometimes violent, the bloodline is not that special at all without the proper people… what about the tragedy curse? it keeps repeating… its the same as the explosive, it depends of the people… I really want to know our ancestors, I would like to meet them all… why? thats not as fun as you make it sound, besides, they would be the first ones to run away from a savage wolf, hehehe… oohhh… from what I could read in our genes, while it would be very interesting and somehow heartwarming, you would be disappointed, there is no one like mother, her birth was special, but her growth was what made it happen, and then our birth, she made me just like her, maybe thats why we fought so much, mother never doubt about anything, but she had a huge amount of hard feelings to deal with… and that included her relation with grandma, right?… ah, dont cry… I wish it was all different, why did grandma behaved like that?… part of the tragedy, perhaps?… I really wanted to have grandma close, wouldnt it be good? I would be such a spoiled child… dont get so emotional, we definitely have to support mother on this one, its not like I remember much anyway… you can read genes, you can tell it all… not all, and its not that easy, I have most of my energies keeping you alive, dont be so pushy… oh, I thought it could be fun, to live with our family… the tragedy could be fun, if you like good stories about completely losing your mind.
Oh, and one more thing… what?… you do this little whine crap again and Ill make you eat grass at the park, just ooone more time and you become a horse… wha, whyyyy?… ah, shut up! youre just sounding like her!… and you like someone else… oh, hehehe, this sure will be fun.
Ashes to Illusions 02
And the water?… ahg, I left it over there… better get up now, I dont want to be thirsty and get a headache… ok, dirty peasant coming through, lalala… dont fill my water with germs you filthy scum… how come all of our family was soooo poor? did the flees make us dumb?… you mean our bloodline, family would include other people, like dads family, and they were very rich, I suppose they still are… Im not that interested in them, well, maybe, but not now, Im interested in the poor plebs… from the bloodline… you mean the ones we care about… mother is by far the top of that mountain, and I highly doubt anyone is going to reach her height, boring heights, I dont like money… yey, we lost all the money! we havent lost dad, have we?… I hope not, though, mmm… what?… he had many strong qualities but without money he turns into something that is pretty much useless, that was what mom kept complaining all the time, yet he never seemed to understand it, the world constructed by his parents, our other so called grandparents, was a base on his heart that eventually held him down, while mom, well, you know what happened with peasant neglectful grandma… I cant believe that mother went from nothing to a castle… and all those luxuries she never shared with me, I dont know how far would she be now if we didnt kill her, without me of course, she was moving where I was not… where did she get all those weapons? that was crazy, and she knew how to used them, we were lucky not to be burned alive or worse… those came from new associates of mom, I know the activities they did, what she did, but those are completely blocked in my mind, the thought of mother leaving us behind is absolute terror, dont bother looking, I put it in a different mind configuration you wont be able to recreate, again, dont bother looking… I can hear all of your “calm down!” screams anyway… I dont know how we survived, nor why, nor anything, dont bother looking, I dont know, I have no idea, ah, ahggg… lets change the subject… mother… this is getting dangerous… ahhh!… how come we lost all mothers wealth? and dads inheritance, and our savings, and our clothes? I liked our clothes, how come we lost them? those were pretty, and some were bought by dad, ooohh, now were going to cry… she probably kept those, do you think it could disintegrate after decades? I really wish to wear them back… were not talking about heeer right now, are we?… no… this is a big headache after another… wouldnt be a tragedy curse if it wasnt truly scary… I have come to the realization… yes… that we… were fine… were sooooo needy, why are we so needy?… ahgg… you know its true… this reminds me of one of mothers lessons, it was about abusing someone you love, she used to taught me this while she was torturing me, let me tell you about it, pay attention only to my words, nothing else… I can already feel the hormonal rush, feels so good, I wish mother could meet me so she would slap me really hard again and again… stop drooling and stop changing the subject, she would probably destroy you at first sight, so hide, Im worried of the things she must be doing now and where shes going to drag us… she will surely want your, abilities… shes not getting anything so easy!!! mine is mine!!… yey!… Im probably just gonna give up against her… oh… anyway, mother taught me that you can abuse someone you love as much as you want, as long as in the end you cure them back, she used to do that to me all the time before she broke up with me… like that time dad tortured us for days, or was it weeks?… just days, and youre explaining it wrong with just one word, though then it was extremely painful, mother was the one who healed us because he was too stupid to figure things out… he did untie us… I hated him ever since, if I had found him before mothers death I would have crushed him alive, the levels of hate were very high… and then everything changed… like magic, now I do love him, not that I would say it too loud, when he came for me at the mansion after it became a forgotten land, he was, kind of cool, I had no idea of what was going on, I just kept seeing him recreating the world and taking care of everything, there was the little idiot fixing stuff and giving me a purpose to move and live, the only reason I didnt kill myself after I murdered mother was because I thought I wasnt worth to die near to her, but I couldnt go anywhere else, eventually I was going to kill myself anyway, very nasty… then dad came along and we fell in love with him… I know he is mothers husband, even when they broke up, and I only cared for him after I noticed how much he loved her… they never got married… Im only his daughter, I didnt loved him as a boyfriend, like certain someone else did with her father… I thought we werent talking about her… mmm… so?… everything changed, it all started by me playing to be mom, he could calm down and relax a little, but later went into a huge chronic depression… poor little dad… he kinda deserved it, and remember that he abandoned us after all… ok… he sort of didnt know what to do, so he went and spent his days with me, trying to finally relate somehow after never ever before, because I was the only left… I wish dad knew me now… it was obvious that he was exhausted, he slowly started to talk less and his movements to decrease, his sight went down, his voice weaker as he kept talking about the normal things, he probably didnt figure it out at first, he was trying so hard to keep going… I wonder why he didnt try to kill us, we were the ones who murdered mom… I asked myself that too, even when he was tortured by her, he had faced death by her hand and knew what we went through, so maybe he found something in common that we could relate and decided to become our dad, at least for a while… good times… I was, sort of, in love with him, of course its different than with mother, also the way I treated him, I wasnt so open to him, he really tried to become like mother but he couldnt at the end, he was kinda sentimental and dummy, he went for stuff but not as far as necessary, he always lived a comfortable rich life… money times… I wanted it so bad for us to had lived as a family then, not as an emotional need, its more like something I would like to see, but it was too late… happy times?… I dont know, maybe was better the way it happened, I, I just dont know, at least for now.
Hey little one… what?… you did fine, come so I pat your head… oh, ok, he, he… good, good… everything is ok, right?… ssshhh, just listen to my words, nothing else… I was thinking about… ssshhh, listen, listen.
Ashes to Illusions 03
Are you sure of this?… yes, it should work… it wont… why not? heres the hd pictures, you look closely and figure out if she is our beloved sister, aint hd pictures great?… I dont want to look, I hate her… we just need to know if she is, nothing else… my insides are revolting, I truly hate her… there must be something, a mole, a mark, the bone structure, her muscle pose, how cant we not be able to tell something so simple?… no, we cannot… then it must not be her… she looks like us yet not at all, the problem is not that… then what? read our sister genes and construct the image of her skull, it is very simple… no, its not like that, Im going to answer your question, yes hd pictures are great, yes all my senses are attracted to her, but… but?… youve read about her, youve seen her videos talking and all of that… is she or not?! were way beyond crazy for her!… “In the science of the mind, theres no point more thrilling than standing in the edge of a memory, long forgotten, without being in the end, able to remember”… aaahhh, Im going to assume shes not then… do whatever you want, I dont care.
Before I start… I know, you cant remember that much… its not like I cant, I could remember it all, but I dont have the proper mind configuration, Im tired and old, Im very weak now, I rather keep you alive for longer than go wild in search of my memories… because it wont make much of a difference at the end… exactly, I already know whats going to happen, its only a matter of how we take it… you remember everything as Aurora, I want to remember everything as Reo, I may be mostly useless, yet I think I can get it right, its not like I have anything better to do anyway… “If I saw my own dead, can I try to prevent it? and if I did, can I live forever? and never age, and always be healthy, tragical times and become very wealthy” but hey, I rather talk randomly cause it fits better with my mood changes… dont complain if I get confused… I could be talking for years and never really finish.
When you become as old as I am, and I cannot possibly be older, you will realize that everything youve done comes from them, Ive done nothing from zero… I thought you did… no, I didnt, I keep doing the same they have done countless times… I dont think anybody has done what youve done… everybody has.
Im sleepy, I want to sleep… I do know of something that will make you happy, my beloved and deluded master… what? it better be good… its about greatgrandmother… was she a hooker as well? we all are, Im gonna throw myself out there tomorrow… she must have died from bubonic plague!… mmm, hihihihi… I knew you would like it, I made you smile… its, its happening! were all going to die! and in such a horror, for your blood and flesh to rot like that! oh greatgrandmother, what happened to your precious armpit? does it hurch too much? did they toss your corpse with all the other freshly dead ones at a big pile? was it gross? everybody falling like dead flies in pesticide, the fear and despair, the long agony cries during day and night, “-did you went to buy bread? -no, I couldnt, the baker died yesterday -but you did bought the milk, right? -no, they dont deliver anymore, the farmer and his whole family died on monday”, aaahhhhh, everybody is dead! and Im next!… I knew it would cheer you up, hehehe.
Poor judgement leads to hate, little one, thats why I dont like you to get in the middle of stories that aint about you.
Inbreed?… yes, they say that you end up retarded or something… youre asking me? Im so great… can I be great too?… mmm, no, only I can be.
They were huge hippies, Im sure they found a way around… what would you do?… nah, I may not like the people around me, but at least Im pretty confident theyre not that stupid to fall for that, again… were they called hippies back then?… I dont know, I dont care, its not about the name, theres always being people like that.
When they settled, they did at a community of immigrants of their own, they didnt speak much english you know.
The pleasures of casual junkie sex… that spot in the family link is in a blank for me… at least we take it laughing, mother didnt at all… well, we take too serious about dad… but dad is rich and has a sophisticated family, Im sure none of them really went to war… they probably made a fortune out of it.
To finally be able to settle in a place of their own… so, another house we lost? how many properties have we… nah, nah, if mother left, so did we… I wanna make a fuss about it… aaah, no, better, not… wouldnt it be fun?… mmm, maybe, eehhh, how fast can you burn their curtains?
Its said that girls grow faster than boys… it seems like… anyway, a good part of their lovely days was taking care of the little boy… Im getting jealous… maybe they did it way too much cause he ended up a crybaby… I bet it was worth it… I guess so, its not like it was going to last forever.
A little place of her own, since she didnt feel that at home, yes, sadly, she was very different back then, she usually sat or laid down on the dirt of a secret place, and tried to play with whatever she could, though she would never do that later when rich… but we do, we became like that, not now but when younger, just like her… I saw you sitting on the floor the other day… I, I can, explain that.
Mother started to take her brother to her secret places, to play and hang around until dinner time, mother used to hug him all the time, and he hugged her back, it was normal for them to kiss their lips and body in front of everybody, they kissed grandma all the time as well, he kissed his father, but mother never did… of course… and then… hihihi… mother started to kiss him opening her mouth, it wasnt the first time they licked each other, but now was for the feeling of passion.
When she found herself alone, hungry and without any money, she felt awful about it, but she was a perv like you so she learned to enjoy it, while having money to live too… that leads to many questions, you once told me that they abandoned their home, both together, aint that weird?… aaaahg… it doesnt make any sense… they went to sex and drug parties for weeks, like an old habit, whats so wrong about it?… they didnt have the money for that, and still doesnt make sense… bububu… one ran away and the other chase after, am I right?… and who would chase who… its so obvious, grandma would not leave her home and children just because, she and her husband had a big fight, I get the feeling that mother was involved, right? …grandma told mother to take care of the house and brother, left some little money and went away… why dont you just tell the rest of the story?… they took too long to go back for some reason, they didnt come back until something happened… and what would that be?… they went back to drugs and such… I hate them so much… at least mother never took any cause of that, and she was surrounded by it on her work, later… ohhhh… one day the pair of idiots decided to just come back, mother even thought they were never going to, it was a big surprise to just see them there like nothing happened, after weeks!… didnt they lack the money for the drugs?… he didnt want to go back, she kept begging him, later the other way around, thats why it took them so long, they kept living their lives, just outside their house, and thats what made mother the angriest, she had been through so much in order to take care of the house, feeding herself and her useless crybaby brother, then they came all hanged over, without an excuse or a care in the world, grandma just said “how has it been?” and went directly to her son.
Yaaawn, Im tired, again… didnt you say, it was something about mother? what happened? why did they leave?… zzz.
Ashes to Illusions 04
An adult woman walked by the entrance of the fanciest hotel at the small city, she just arrived in her short travel from a nearby town, she is quiet and looks impressed by the elegance of the place, its not somewhere she would normally be, not because of her person but because of the amount of money she would have to spend, yet she was there, due to an invitation of someone she finally would meet, after many complicated phone calls that normally ended in screams and a bang.
There you are- what? did you expect a proper hello? hahaha thats for little children, dont bother me with that- no, I didnt make you wait on purpose, in fact, Im hungry, Ill invite you some dinner, you can order whatever you want, its not like Im paying, hahaha- lets go, over here, I already made reservations for us.
Fancy restaurants are not as good as they want themselves to be, but I wanted some privacy, I have a little headache, I cant stand some noisy crowd- you came all over here for her and I didnt bring her, hehehe, she is upstairs, sleeping, Ill take you to see her later, is that ok?- yeah, she is perfectly fine- lets order something then.
As I told you, he came for some business, I heard about the place and decided to drop by, Im not doing anything, Im not, working at the moment, its been a while but thats what I have decided- no, were not married yet, maybe you can help me change his mind, hahahaha- he will probably come back late at night, they like to go party as well, its part of what he does- no, of course Im not going, its all dirty men doing what they do- well, you will meet him and see.
You can stay in our room, its huge, why are you so defensive?- you wont even notice Im there- no, I dont want you to spend- its ridiculous for you to stay in some cheap hotel while Im here, dont be so troublesome- I can pay you the way back tonight if you want to- Im just gonna eat, you decide what you do, I dont care.
Do you want anything else? a dessert? I do, the food wasnt that good- this is nothing, I told you not to look at the prices- its a business trip, everything gets paid, and even if it wasnt- no, he wont mind- he will probably like you, maybe, I dont know- youre talking like he can order me, its the other way around- do I look like a pushover?- sometimes I wish I could put you all in a line so I could beat you up at the same time- yes, all of you, all of you make me sick at some point- you shouldnt have taken the side of a filthy man then- no, Im not talking about him, Im talking about the father, you know, he is the father, you should like, start to get used to the idea that, he is part of this all- maybe the money will make it easier.
Waiter- Excuse me madam, you missed something in your receipt.
-You forgot to write the tip for us to charge.
-No, I didnt, you have some nerve, dont you?
-I wrote the number and letters, cant you fucking read? Z E R O.
-Theres a mandatory tip.
-Do I look like a man to you? Im not giving you anything, fuck off.
-Do you want me to take care of you?
-This is fine.
Hehehe- what do you mean by incredibly rude?- I have beaten people for less- youre not giving him any money- dont worry, we will never ever see them again, its not like were eating here again- no – no, I dont fight that much anymore- normal people think you have connections, power and such, so they dont mess with you like before, and I never talked of that, its only me, I was talking about my fists.
I told you it was a big room, didnt I?- and yes, you can stay, Im sleeping in the bed though- hahaha, yes, with my, husband- leave your stuff wherever you want, take wherever- lets go see her then.
Aaaaaand, here she is- hehehe, well, yes- I told you she was sleeping, there was nothing to worry- yeah, hold her, whatever- so what if she cries? and she wont- I told you- so, there she is, enjoy yourself- Im going to the bathroom.
Sure, he likes her too- ah, dont come up with that baby crap to me- maybe you are making that up, I dont know how I looked back then, probably better- you know, you could work as her nanny, but it would mean us living together, and that, I dont think is possible- no, I fired everyone- I hated their company, I can take care of myself- he will do whatever I tell him to do, in fact, he still lives with his parents, can you fucking believe it? its like I married my brother, hahahaha!- whats with that face? he lives in a big mansion, it doesnt matter- oh, you mean your son? well, I dont care- I will talk to him eventually- I cant even talk with him on the phone, we fight, but with him is nothing, is awkward, I dont like it- I am not the problem, you are the problem- what? youre not fighting me today? she really soothes your mood, doesnt she?- call me when you get tired.
You changed her diaper? good for you- leave her there, she sleeps a lot- we need to talk about us- its now or never- hehehe- Im not being pushy- why am I getting naked?- I want some honesty out of you, Im sick of the same old fights- I wanted to show you my underwear, do you like it? man go crazy over this- maybe its too much, maybe I should, see?- dont you like my breasts? so big, arent them? not like you, I probably got this from my dads side- why? why? why? of course I want to talk about him, he is my real dad- not like that, Im not that interested in some deadbeat full of flees passed out on the floor- such shame- youre getting naked too- because I want you- Im not asking you- hahaha, Im gonna touch you as much as I want- if you scream youre gonna wake up the baby, hehehe- ok, little break to see how you react- he is not here, I came alone, I planned this all by myself, he doenst even know Im here, or maybe I did told him, I dont remember- yes, a little trap, if you want to call it that way- I waaaant, you- yes, you- Im taking you- stop playing fool, you know what- its something for you to find out- so what if I am?
I thought you wanted to keep your clothes unharmed, I see that you dont- hahahaha, this is such fun- dont resist me, its useless, hahaha- finally, so nice- I wanted you so much, instead you just gave me problems- … -dont be ashamed, this feels wonderful- open your mouth- dont dare to bite me while I kiss you.
What? you let my dad, my true dad, do everything he wanted with you- I dont care about that pig you live with, I should probably kill him- do you think Im capable of? hihihi- enjoy yourself, this is going to happen- ah, I know what youre missing! you want drugs, dont you? I can get you some, but you have to tell me exactly what you want- nooooo! I dont take anything, I would have drugged you already if I did- I dont even have an idea of what would you take- that scum, both of them, could have you, why can I not?- just dont tell my little brother, yet, hehehe, I had planned something for him, but I preferred you, so you took his place, and- dont make me beat you again, you can cry if you want though.
Dont be such a crybaby mother, anyway, Im too lazy to get dressed again, and I wont give you a chance to leave, you are mine now- its been such a while since I did this, hahaha- stop? no, Im gonna do it as much as I want, and I want to do this, dont make me hit you again- no, dont- does it hurt?- did you thought I was just going to slap you? I love you, hahahaha.
Im gonna take my little brother next- I wont leave him alone- we already did this, well, differently- I didnt hurt him- Im gonna do whatever I want, and Im not done with you until you are completely mine, hehehe- I love how ashamed you are- this is perfectly natural, I love your delightful moaning, your cries in shock, your secret forbidden body, your intimate taste, your failed resistance against me- I know you liked my fingers but now comes the good stuff, hahaha.
Gwahahahaha, you shouldnt have resisted, I could choke you until you die- no, Im not crazy, this is reality.
Its been hours, Im tired- no, I am not, I will continue, and you are getting comfortable- my kisses are not weird- it feels wonderful to kiss you in the middle of this, you took too long to open your mouth, but that only makes it funnier- Why kissing you? I want to be like like my dad to you- nice excuse, eh?- he was, nobody, I guess- but Im much better than he is, in every single way, you just have to become my wife, Ill give you everything you need, everything you wanted.
I want to fuck my dad, you have to tell me where he is -of course you know where he is, you keep seeing him in secret- Im not making things up, or maybe I do, you tell me- just because I want to know how it feels like, how you felt like, not that I want him, I hate useless losers with no money, hehehe, Im sure he is going to love my breasts, and my youth, and everything- I wont forget about him- yuck, he is probably some junkie like you- you dont? but you cared to abandon me because- not anymore? how convenient- I dont do it either, never had, nor felt attracted to, especially when you can end up dead doing what I do, there was this dude that tried to inject me with something in the middle of sex, I beat him up so hard and leaved him there, I dont even know if he lived, its not like I care what they do with themselves- there was this other dude who had a bunch of drugs in his room, he wanted a little drug party but I said no, he couldnt last long so he wanted me to inject him, “are you sure?” “yeah”, so I did, its not like you hold back in this business, and he died of an overdose in front of me, of course I charged more for the extra work of watching him die like that, and just left him there to rot, dont worry mommy, I actually care for you, for you to be mine.
Mmm, dont you feel sorry, for what I have to do?
Im gonna take you now, again, and later I will my little brother, and then I will keep you in my house, like a zoo, you will be locked in separate rooms, filled with every luxury I can think of, such an amusement, and I will force you to mate in order to continue the species, youre gonna have another baby, for my daughter to possess, because we will leave this world, I will kill you, and him, and me, and that man you refuse to leave, and my dad after you tell me where he is, everybody is going to die, by me.
I bet you never thought girls could do this, probably why you never touched me like this before, hahaha, maybe then you wouldnt have had such, preferences, for my little brother, youre such a lovely wife, I want you to be mine, now I know why my father wanted you so much, your loveliness created me, thats why I am so perfect.
He drugged you really well, you couldnt even use a condom, could you? like the dirty cheap whore you are, well, Im full of fluids now, so, but I want to know, how did you behave for him? did you beg for more or what? I really want to find him, to drive him crazy from pleasure, it would be so satisfying, to make him lose his mind that way, for me, her only daughter, mmm, am I the only one?- of course you know, I guess I will find that out later- how big was he?- I asked how big he was!- maybe some more choking will help you remember- yes, tell me- just try to make a sign with your hands, like that? he is not that big, is he? hahaha, hahahahaha, that cheered me up very well, I guess I was expecting too much from some average idiot, mmm, now I know why you stuck with that man, he was bigger, the fat idiot, did you know that he made me suck him once?- thats not a lie- thats not a lie!- he got naked, with his fat belly and all, yuck, I still cant figure out how you liked that for daily, and it didnt taste good either, you know what I mean- that was not a lie- I started with the forced act, then he took my head and did it on his own, and ended in my mouth, I had to swallow it- of course it happened, and now I dont need you to believe me- I told you exactly how he looked like, every single detail, its hard to forget- spy him?- I did not such! he slapped my ass all the time and did his little punishments about this and that, and you didnt do anything! but Im not angry anymore, Im gonna cut him to pieces with a knife, hahahaha, you know, the only reason it did not follow was because I could defend myself eventually, and I also dared to tell you, not that you were useful, anyway, back to dad, did it felt good, stupid whore? better than with your husband? make the hands sign again, Ill try something out.
Im exhausted, ahhh- oh god, youre so old and ugly- I hate you so much, get off from me!- ahg!- Yuck, why did I let you get on top- well, theres no going back now- I should have charged you but youre so poor.
Ashes to Illusions 05
Now that you know the reason and conclusion of that fight, let me tell you about something else, someone else, cause there is no beginning, just like we have no end, he, he loved the idea of joining the military and becoming rich.
You still think that black and white movies meant the world was colorless and the camera caught the reality, oh yes, it makes perfect sense, that means he never saw the color, not once in his life.
A rainy end of the day, the car he was on fell of a muddy cliff as the driver didnt slow down enough at a curve, I was watching it all driving the car behind, maybe thats the reason I didnt follow, then the officer in charge finished his cigarette with disdain and told us all to leave them there, and that I was taking his place.
I still dont find of importance, some ritual of the past where one of them and one of us must unite, a marriage of convenience, none must really change, Im supposed to “finish my military duties” then set to “come back home”, or something, I dont actually care, at this point there is no reason to.
By the time they all realized what had happened, it was too late, the deal was done and, nobody really cared as long as the protocol for the secret deal was carried out, they, they really dont care about any of us, they just want the machine to keep rolling, no matter what crushes in and out.
And as individuals and small groups, the constant look for profit among the chaos is the driving force of everyday, weve seen the meat grinding over the landscape and as well in close quarters, they say is like never before, and I think Ive seen it all, with a gun both front and back of my head. Theres also the traitor bullets from all sides, suicide at the sound of the charge order, drugs to make you forget even your name, a spit on your face for everything you are and you mean.
You are forbidden to think, they do it for you, but when you actually do, then you realize, this is all about profit, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity for everybody involved, reality has been broken for treasures to be conquered, otherwise you would be a thief and a murderer, but now, and I realize why they do this, now you can do more, you can stretch your reach far beyond the imagination, I wasnt going anywhere back there, but now, now the universe lays in chaos, the elements wait for the new order, this will change everything, I think they know, the officers and everybody above, thats why they kill without remorse, they see the golden future as the blood spills on the ground, I would have been like them since the beginning, but I was too dumb to figure it out, and now I see the face, of the one who put a bullet through his own head, how foolish can you be, when you dont see the world for what it is.
The people of the village thought of buying their own preservation
Then they realized they could achieve much more
But they needed the help of the conquerors to succeed
Not those above like the ones who lost that treasure on their lands
They wanted someone they could trust while dealing in the shadows
Someone like them, at the edge of being vanished
Me? is this what they call destiny?
I could have sworn I didnt hit the breaks
Yet is better to call it luck, such good, good luck.
Ashes to Illusions 06
If I were to meet you under the summer breeze
Im having a hard time remembering how I was
And how could I possibly be talking to you
Did I even had the courage to approach a girl like you?
I think I have died, a bullet pierced me by the snowy paths
Now that I have met you under the winter blitz
It, has taken my heart away
I dont control myself anymore.
Should I cry? should I beg?
Should I throw myself to your arms?
Are you, scared of me?
I am, scared of you, yet I will never tell
About the killing bullets and the mud
Cold starvation, frenzy drug overdose
Caught between the twisted stars
Treason execution and poverty endless line
Faulty sinful map that brought me to you knees
Earth flames then freezes to a halt
I left what was left of my soul inside your tights.
Maybe its the snow, Im having a few problems on this mountainous path, you would think that somehow the snow would be different over there, yet it is the same, like there is no distance, that these days of travel are nothing but a joke, the intense feeling of life losing all values, not only mine, everything, I know the idea was designed for you to throw yourself into their abyss, yet now that Im on the other side, it goes further than that, in a way I dont want to explain, I choose not to go over countless details and just, let go, my destiny and origin is not far, I must mentally prepare, like I couldnt to face the unknown when I left, how could I possibly know back then? such a useless fool, to believe about any of you.
-A meal has been waiting for you, ready.
-You can take your time to settle, Im sure, its been a long trip.
-I wont take long.
-Everything remains the same you left it.
-Thats, nice, well talk at the table.
Sure things have not change here, or maybe it has but she keeps the appearance, and her strange ways above all, I wonder how she will take the news, she has always been, arrogant, she wants things to be her own, or at least in her own way, maybe I should let her run her mouth, to see what a different faith would have awaited, if I remained, myself, the one who left.
-Im too tired, maybe we should talk after I finish eating, I dont have the strength to do both at the same time.
-The tea will be ready then, you dont feel like sleeping, do you? I can fix it, I rather have you…
-No need for that, you rather, what?
-Well, I was thinking, I rather not leave your mind to wonder.
-Your life, I dont want you to go back into your, nest.
-Is that so?
-Our family may be broken, but our honor remains high.
-You, dont have to worry about that.
-Listen to me.
-They are all dead, let go already.
-I have a responsibility.
-You dont have to worry, anymore.
-I dont? ridiculous, that attitude of you is…
-Not that I care about it, I find your obsessions, disgusting.
-What did you just say?!
-Im sick and tired of it all, dont push me, ok?
-You must be tired indeed, we should talk tomorrow.
-Thats not what I meant.
-You better play along or youre off, Im not giving you a second chance.
-Things are going to change.
-How? youre not taking control of this house.
-Then you can stay.
-Are you leaving?
-You have a month to pack everything.
-Im not leaving this house.
-Things are going to change, greatly.
Ashes to Illusions 07
Goes the train
Like Baba said, holding the spoon, stirring soup
Dont be afraid, if you get, look at the sky, feel like a bird
Chu Chu! goes the train
Your first daughter Ill never date, shall become an adventurer
Your first son, from there must come, a star that lights the way above
And me? I dont get, I am only ten
Minus six, another two, plus some months
And whatever the little weirdo tries to make sense
Chu Chu! goes the train
Chu Chuuuuuuuu! fast again!
Time is really from the true element of the world, such divine, overwhelming properties, I can see myself a million times, I have done so much yet I barely move, I, Im still there, though they keep talking, my work of years finally coming to an end, it doesnt really add, how could they come, when were all still there.
You dont run with a treasure on your own, eyes are everywhere, eager, hungry, starving, nobody cares yet everyone is paying attention, groups eating each other, and one being caught, crushed by the cogs, Ive been confused for the longest time, until I realized, theres nothing wrong about it, I have fought it in an endless effort, pitifully, trying to reject reality, and thats what caused me such severe mental problems, because I couldnt see it, again and again, I fog myself in indulgence, trying to picture a dream, then crying when is not materialized, its all me throwing such childish tantrum, yet I keep weeping in despair, I am, hiding in the shadows, I cry for you, oh my love, and I cry for me, this miserable life, the only one I have.
I think they know, I dont think they care, in fact, they rest assure, they believe loyalty is the result, I just, have nowhere else to go, nothing else to do, am I just waiting for another unmeasurable force to change the scenery? probably, yet I wouldnt mind if this one holds for a while, at least for some thoughts to develop, these made believe backgrounds, see? if I were to betray them, I could burn it all down tonight, for ruins to rest in their rightful place, everything remains the same, but I dont see you anymore, did you become the beautiful sky? the vast forest? the colorful light in the horizon? that would be, awkward, I dont picture you doing that, probably a tease, nothing has changed, Im still in the same place, theres mud everywhere.
Back to business, I have to do something with these documents on my hand, the project has surely being successful, something I supported yet had plenty doubts about, and with good reasons, it has delayed plenty of times, from the weather to the lack of this or that. Now a reality, a calm rhythm has taken over, you can see people less stressed, some of them even enjoy their work, me? well, I dont know, I dont really care, Im just watching night becoming day, what am I to do but mere watching? and, I just happen to be the leader of this whole thing, the fortune is supposed to be mine and from my family, a heritage of lost luck that I dont particularly take part of, my parents died young, my aunt took care of me and their assets, our assets, perhaps, maybe I should say mine? I dont know, I never really fought about it, only my way of life.
She, my aunt, such angst in a bitter woman, her dream became true, a family empire to rise, she never did anything to reach it, the blessing came from the sky, she was just watching the world move, like, me. Strangely enough, change actually came from my actions, theres when I noticed how she really despised me, the burden finally gave her a reward, yet she couldnt stand not being in charge, she often took leadership without any consideration, I was still a burden, moving against her tide, I have sailed a tight ship yet I never move a finger to stop her, I couldnt bare the emotion of our contact, she did and destroyed at will, an obvious administration problem that didnt last long, she died of an infection, they say something about the mud, water, worms, mosquitoes, then I realized, I should have used a gun, at least for nostalgias sake, but it was too late, I didnt even visited her when she was lastly ill, neither at the funeral, I dont even know if there was one, we have a priest with a small team also doing other jobs, I guess I forgot to write a larger check, he didnt say anything, maybe he forgot he duties too, what was I talking about?
My duties, right, Im supposed to build a castle on the mud, my job is to change the scenery, or maybe just my turn, as a way for the goddess of life to shove on my face in a hundred years from now, if I ever complain to her, that I was alive.
Ashes to Illusions 08
How have I managed to save my own life?
Through monotony stones and agony drums
Seen nothing but faint spark
I have a ring, I have a dress, I have an empty shell
By the books below tea cups, Ive kept a kind of hell.
I received a letter of the most unexpected news, and of course the delivery was late, leaving me no time to assimilate its contents.
Incoming train early morning, with incoming lawyer, forms and documents.
Incoming personnel, all settings to prepare as they dont travel with much as they come.
Incoming child, impossible to be mine.
I never thought of, I had no intention to even consider it, with such an empty world, I imagine it being nothing more than a cruel idea, and such a burden to my own, I can barely walk the path I see.
Her body had no signs of having a child, after countless visions, memories of every detail forcefully replacing the light on my sight, Im starting to think that maybe she is just a relative of hers, and they, want a heir, but then, why a girl? is she the last? is she special? do they want another princess? its so easy to see this move to be done, it was probably planned all along, yet I never thought of, me and a child.
I dont recall any childhood memories of worth, nothing but generic emotions and control, my parents, while I feel for them, I quickly realize that there wasnt, I dont know how to even call it, I usually just forget about it, maybe because I didnt get to relate to them as grown, only as a kid, they were doing of their own, I did as well, nothing special, until they died and was alone, living with my aunt that I had none about.
I cannot feel, I cannot reach, I cannot make
Yet for you, I only love you
And the few days I was with you
And the trail you left when you flew
I shall be a guardian of the new princess
I have no problem with that, the only thing that Im afraid
Is she coming back to take me again?
I have her ring, and I have her dress, I have an empty shell.
The fortune has my name, yet I just administrate, is not really mine, it was all part of the plan. For me to have a bride, fill my name with unknown riches of old, to renew them, to escape, while paying taxes to the grim custody, there was so much that the river could flow, the arrangements followed through in spite of backstabbings and threads of takeover with violence, the people of the village could retain their treasure, the one they found, hidden from the enemy on their mountainous land, the scouts were ready for a second and third wave, but those who would take the bribe were more eager to be part, and the deal moved forward.
We have this, symbiotic, relationship, one cant live without the other, the public face would crumble without me, then all kinds of inquiries about would set place, me? Im, just following orders, I guess, I dont have anything else to do.
I dont know why they decided to build a huge mansion instead of a village, maybe to avoid public interaction or just keep it minimum, this way anybody who comes is related. The new names are codified from their old, the only one that remains is mine, sometimes I think, I have never hold it, its the name of my parents and their lineage, I dont have much in common with all of them, in all irony, sitting at top of my castle, with countless undercover servants, I am just like one of them, pretending to be in order to live.
Ashes to Illusions 09
If I were, to such long adventure to take
To the path of your destiny, funnily enough, away from you
Such neverending road, forever to travel
What was a cave nest turned into a sight
Of memories and illusions, the way I make up my mind
About how happy I am, for I see you, my star
In the clouds I made a mirror to have you by my side
In the clear I fly, the high ecstasy to play with your smile
All day I wait, to see the sun go down, remembering how you closed your eyes.
I have thought for the longest time about the arrangements of my room, because of the proportion of it in this environment, I cant make it match, it is such a confusing feeling, to see their degenerate nature develop under a new sky, constructing the mansion filled with excesses, their lust around the corners, their greed hanging from the walls, so close to extinction once, now in apparent full explosion of expression, they create what they are, and me, I cant keep up, I am always one step behind.
The story thats told goes like this, I went camping with the governor, we all got drunk until early morning, he made a bet for me to shoot a sleeping bird, it turned out to be a tree branch, so we made a compromised and a business deal, he provided the forsaken land at a very low price, while I did the funds to push the local economy.
In reality we bought it all with the secret treasure of the village, the purchase was a bribe, one of countless in a closed net that hid from the raiders, like an eager spider in the shadows, nobody was going to let go the fortune of their lifetime.
And me, in my own room, a combination of the image this high figure must give, along my private taste. At the end I hold whats mine while they go elsewhere and make themselves busy, I first believe of them as a nuisance, now I realize they have nothing else to do, so they embrace the eternal preparations of a great gala night, where and when they shall live in plenty forever.
It is not that I want to live humble, it is not that I want to live fancy, I just dont like it, theres got to be something else, something I can feel, yet every change leaves me with the same.
At first I was concerned, even when they consider me of their own, I guess my mood is easy to perceive, they keep saying, some of the woman, a child is a bless, but nobody cares about children, if people care then they wouldnt do what they do, it doesnt matter if they live or die, war, war is not that much rare to happen one day, its the large scale of the current mood, any second someone could snap and kill the other in a rage attack, then they see the loot and throw themselves on it, animal instinct, you kill and you have, the next to fall you use to reach, you kill them in order for them to serve, you.
More fancy introductions in another empty dialog, they have always loved the courteous pretend, either breakfast chat or dealing to care, I just cant, pay attention to their history and line, I feel so strange, surrounded in a mist of a foreign essence, here it comes, another one of them.
Ashes to Illusions 10
I left my breakfast to the birds, I gave my lunch to the squirrels
It wasnt enough so they ate my finger too
Chump chump chump, they thought it was a nut
Then I sneaked to the kitchen and brought some more
And when I got hungry I put candy on
Chocolate and marmalade
Strawberry of two colors, such a weird taste
Chump chump chump, I thought it was a cake
As I knew already, I felt nothing, there was nothing from me to her.
Just another game of pretend in this built illusion, I wonder if I would feel better, to just forget about the past and go along the line of the lie, it ends up so well for me, maybe I shouldnt complain about, the problem is, I have nothing left to do, no ambition, no wish, no eager, I just watch this world roll on its own, if I were to swim against, it wouldnt mean a thing, Im, Im trapped, yet is hard to even feel desperation, probably if I was younger, but after so much, of the same, its a stalemate between the lack of meaning and my ability to survive and overcome, as time keeps moving on.
My lack of attention didnt create much consequences, she continued on her own without a care, the new princess of her people, when she grows she will probably be the leader figure, she will do her job, and, mine, like she is, some sort of, my heir, my, child.
Oh yes, I even said so the other day, we hosted an event, in all luxury and excess, youd think they would worry about having no income, but that has also changed, subgroups have gone into business of this and that, taking advantage of the shadows to perform what you should not, cause there is never enough, with no regard of any risk, all guests to the dinner say its delicious.
I am the leader in paper and bone, they have suggested for me to keep an eye in all movements, to become the overlord of light and dark, yet I blanked out on the great balcony while drinking.
They come forward, guests and residents, you missed the hunting camp, you missed the evening toast, you missed the lecture of rite.
I dont ask because they would repeat the lie
I assume is one of them, particularly of those around her
Yet I had not seen any strong resemblance
“Im waiting for my child”
Then they leave with a genuine smile
They believe Im one of them
So I keep repeating the same
At all events she is supposed to hold hands with the main nanny
Not to get lost, but probably not to make a childish scene
Then they bring her to me
My excuse to float is gone
If I were to have you stray for a thousand years
I bet you would still play all those games
Through rain and night, flood and dawn
You will never take any of this seriously
Because you are only a child, for me youre not enough
Would I do what everybody else does?
I dont really want to be with you
But if I were to fall in love with you
There she comes, all dressed in purple and that so weird smile
She is never early, she keeps playing and she is always late
Dont you know that you always have to wait?
Why dont we go? to the greater dance of the moon
Alcohol and drugs beyond dawn
The woman from the village are so good looking and wild
The ones invited look so curious and soft
Here she comes, soiled with candy and grass
Candlelight and some wine with ice
Will I miss you once that you are gone?
Forever gone, will I even remember?
What will you do in the storm of bullets and mud?
You know, you are always so late
And Im, Im waiting for my child.
Ashes to Illusions 11
Im feeling good, Im feeling so fine.
It was not a conscription, it is an adventure
It was not a massacre, it is a purge for the stretch path
I was not a slave called mercenary
If your train breaks and youre sent somewhere else, you lose
If you get sick from the mud and retire to slowly die, you miss
If you dont have what it takes, to make it gush before it reacts
And when the blood starts to flow, I
Im going to try, to conquer my own life
For I have nothing to do with any of you
I have found the secret treasure of the village, all to myself
While they all looked at golden dreams of excess
That was the final trial, nobody else overcame
They fell to the illusion and drifted away
“If I suicide I wont leave a note”
You know how much, Im gonna miss you when youre gone.
Then at the peak of the darkest night
Coming from the perfect world where
Dont you think its a joke?
They enjoyed their time together as regal
Just as such they have fought for the longest while
I wish these rocks to be clean with the endless water flow
Yet I know, its only time that protects my privacy
Precious span to casually talk how corpses come to rot
And I find it ridiculous, this is not about you
Thats why you shouldnt follow
Are you, jealous? are you, angry?
Why dont you laugh?
Why cant you see this is just a cruel joke?
You will see me off
You keep trying, you cant let go
You, of them all
Not that I ever expected to meet
Instead I was thinking of another joke
Of a torn heart covered in snow
From a vanishing act that captures all hope
For a moment, yet forever
An instant would have been delicious
An eternity so complicated
Why even bother at this point?
But thats the exact same reason to
The dichotomy when it climbs to the whole
The worth of moving beyond thought
A choice of being stale or broke
And a combination of both
So weak so you hold
To whatever life tells you to do so
Follow the path the forces have brought
See? something must be laughing at us
But I rather not think too much
It always goes back to the rain
How much will your colors wash away?
Today, tomorrow, and whatever is next
And then, when we finally meet
I will only see, leftovers in grey
Or maybe your true self
Dont you know?
I will confess to you and only you
Im somewhat afraid of heights
yet now I think I can fly
As tired as I am
I will confess to you and only you
A thousand shooting stars
I put them in a jar
With countless pebbles I picked from the sand
I put them in a jar
And broken since design
Not that it felt bad growing up
I will toss it to the ground
Would you, would you do it?
I want you to, I need you to
Or do you rather have it broken on your hands?
Off should I go, I cant stand neither wait
What to do to find me next?
I will confess to you and only you
Your thousand dusty pearls glowing in the night
Ill put them in a jar
Fly, fly, bye, bye.
Ashes to Illusions 12