Bitterness, anger and hurt
Sealed implosion and quiet desperation
All of those are still part of the one and only life
Enjoy it easy, yun yun.
Wingless ch 01
Once upon a time there was a young boy who thought he knew it all, he was smart and grew strong, he was opinionated and liked to fight with words and attitude, he never got really violent, well, I guess it was just a coincidence of circumstances.
He was kind of weird, he did some very strange acts that defied all sense of reality around the women he could relate, but at the end nothing actually bad happened, he screamed wolf so many times that everybody figured out he was at the end, harmless.
People did got angry at him, if he was some creepy looking weak kid, they would have probably beaten him up hard, against him could have been anybody for whatever reason, not an adult likely as things would escalate quickly, it could have been some other boy trying to score points with the girl in question, some white knight trying to look cool, some dark knight believing that bullying feels great, and to top it all up, what did went through, the girl herself used to go ahead and beat him up, at first she did it out of anger, then it was a delicious pleasure, until one day he quick and perfectly blocked three of her punches with no effort, she wanted to stop at the second block but the momentum didnt until the third, she got surprised and scared of how easily he did it, she was not a tiny girl, she was tall and strong, ever since she started to beat him up, she felt confident and bragged about it to everybody she could, she thought she could put any men she wanted in their place with her strength, but she thought it twice after that sudden moment and his cold expression she never really saw before, she was afraid of him, but mostly because she let her own anger and ego to grow wilder and without consideration of others around her, he did not hit her back, when he defended himself he seemed very weird, yes, even more, he was so firm and seemed in perfect harmony, he just said in a calmed imperative voice“no, no, I wont let you beat me anymore”, and that was it, well, not really, a couple of hours later he got out of the trance and became normal again.
Something was wrong inside him, said the people who got to know him for long enough, at the beginning he could barely carry a conversation with people his own age, he slowly learned and even got a couple of friends unrelated to the girl, but at that time of possible communication with her, their relation was already broken, there was distrust, anger, jealousy, hate, and whatever bad feeling they could find was in the middle.
To the shallow eye, it would have looked that he was just begging her, yet none of those knew what happened backstage except for both of them, her closest friends and family, only at her side cause he never talked to anybody about it, she did where she could cover from the public eye and express her feelings about him, she just wanted the boy to be normal so she could be with him, he was the perfect boyfriend she always wanted, she knew he really loved her and would do everything to help her if she needed it, which was so bizarre, cause thats the exact thing he could not do.
She tried to help him many times but there was no way she had the ability, personal growth and mental strength to deal with him, she didnt feel bad cause nobody actually could, and endless line of teachers, doctors and psychologists tried, but it was all in vain, his mind was a huge puzzle yet he walked and talked like it was the most simple thing in the world.
Youve seen what you have done, little one?… yaaaa! I wish I could apologize, that was not nice, I liked that girl… not that you were completely wrong, you did well so many times and she failed, it was meant to be yet it wasnt supposed to happen at all, dont worry, its better this way, hehehe… ok, whats next.
After a couple of years of a troubled and annoying nothing relation I could detail but kind of feel outside the story, both were at their last semester of high school, they shared the same classroom again cause they got sick of him skipping classes in order to go and see her, which was actually a clever excuse, he was just bored and wanted to be out of that prison. The girl started to plan about her changes coming in life, what college and career, dreams about a professional job, doing adult stuff like sex, parties, driving, drinking, smoking, you know, being a big woman; the future, be somebody, a person to be respected, succeed, money, luxuries, traveling, the good stuff, only an idiot would not like to progress and remain the same, and we found one, her beloved young boy who had no idea nor plans for absolutely anything outside his daily living, the poor sucker couldnt even figure out what was happening and why she was changing so much, to the point that she decided to forget about him, not that she actually could. The last six months she tried to completely avoid him and such, he tried to fight back but he didnt do what she expected him to, so nothing healed and they slowly went apart, the love was still there but, there were other greater things to be loved.
To conclude with this tiny relation that lasted so long (they must have been really stubborn), when highschool ended the boy could improve his life without the poison of the wasted school hours, his personality allowed him to do it very easily, not that he did great, he didnt have an idea of what was he doing, yet his outstanding personality made it look like he progressed so much. Out of highschool, he couldnt follow the girl he once loved and had to move on without her, there was not another option, she said it was enough and that it was final. A year later they met in college, he looked great and confident, she was happy and excited, it was such a great opportunity, yet he could never forgive her, he did with everything else but not again now, he couldnt forgive that she left him behind for her own pleasure, he coldly turned his back at her and she never dared to get close, she tried to look and hear from him many times, it was so easy for him to do like before, but now, she couldnt get close at all, she didnt have the strength nor personality to do something on her own, she was tied by the other peoples opinions, so she decided to wait for him to come close, but he never did so she moved on, and one day he disappeared and they never saw each other again.
The end… some little boys also like to succeed in life… I loved it when she constantly saw you talking to other girls so nicely and normally, it was so seductive and the girls looked good for the standard, such an easygoing relation, the thing you never did for her… maybe I just wanted to have sex and spend my unexistant money with the new girls… her so called friends loved her pain, you could see the rejoice in their eyes, do you think she cried?… knowing her as much as I did… which is not that much… surely she did, well, maybe some nostalgia, but if in secret, she was a loudmouth only when it was convenient, when not she used to cry where nobody could see her… hehehe… hihihi, she was the one who liked adults anyway… this is not even about you and her, its about hopes and dreams… and then facing reality.
Wingless ch 02
How many years did you last with that girl?… from around a month before the middle of the first year of highschool, to some time into the last semester, it would be like two years… but it didnt end there, you kept seeing her later… I dont know how to count that time… it was such a waste of everything, while you kept sleeping, real life was actually happening… its not really my fault, at least Im still alive, did you completely not liked her?… that wouldnt be true, I did kinda liked her, and she was pretty, highly stupid and good for nothing, but, those breasts! hehehe… maybe she liked us because she was lesbian too… shes such an idiot, first she wanted you to be a jerk, you became and she hated it, she never realized that it was something else… else like what?.. I feel kind of guilty, naive guilty, cause she could have never liked me, only you, and you dont really exist… Im sure she would like you, you were her type… thats why I feel guilty, you were her type as well, she wanted you to do fun and cool stuff but I kept self sabotaging, I kinda wanted to know if she liked me, not you… youre asking too much for a dumb highschool normal girl… I know… at first she did try to come close but our winds were too strong, later she got afraid of everything, if she was to come near us and a wind was to lift her away, she needed her friends to hold her to the ground, but they didnt like us, we were easily taking her away from them, so they never helped her to get close, and she was too afraid to go alone, she rather stuck with them and convince herself that I was the one who needed to change into a big man… how comfortable… she was just a normal highschool girl, what did you expect? do you think she actually stands a chance against what really goes on here?… I expected her to be our friend, I never pushed her into sex… maybe that was the problem… didnt she loved us? maybe it wasnt about sex, she just wanted our powers, like everybody else does… she didnt know that side of us… so, sex and I failed?… what part of normal teenager girl dont you understand?… oooh… anyway, she loved our personal strength, the ability to get away with our jokes, how easily we treated the adult world, its like the key for success dressed as a hot boyfriend, to make people jealous about while you never really try beyond your comfort pathetic zone… maybe we should have let go and embrace the emotion, just to have felt what its like… lets say you had fallen sick, would she take care of you?… no, life is short, she may have cried and everything, but she would have moved on, she wasnt going to waste her youth on an ill me… then shes useless cause you were about to get sick… maybe she would have remained by my side, not as a boyfriend but as a dear friend… you both destroyed your little friendship, and she doesnt really care about you, obviously… a pair of strangers after all… you just wanted a friend and she said no… game over… and restart… new game.
Ok, that was hollowly fun but now comes the serious stuff, this is going to be depressive… you called it wingless after all… you did… no, you… today at this time of day, as I see everybody running, where are you? at this place under the cold merciless night, where are you? smile, holding my hand, kissing my lips, where are you? fighting, screaming, beating, hating each other more everyday, where are you? I miss you so much, where are you? did you noticed? I hoped to meet you in the wind, I kept waiting to hear your voice from so faraway, I keep waiting but you didnt come, you never ever come, what would happen if I move? will I find you or will I miss you while youre here and my heat is gone? today is very windy, the sky is dark and a storm is near, Im going to stay here, waiting for you in the wind, where are you? my heart is dried from so much wind, where are you? you never ever come.
Wingless ch 03
Wait, wait! before you start… yes?… I think youre really stupid… I already know that… I really really think you are very very stupid, a complete idiot… sounds fair… all your endings are terrible, you bore me to death and then Ill die… Im horrible and dumb, I already know that… you make me so mad that I want to beat you in the head, and hard… ok, and, emh, mmm… what?… I thought I had a happy ending, somehow… I hate you, I want to be me, you should hurry up before I get completely bored… I tried the best I could, those were very logical steps… are you blind? that was just crazy… I did everything so carefully… you just followed your hormones… I did fine, what else could I have done?… the most simple and obvious of it all… and what would that be?… since youre living in society, you need money and a very nice look, you already had the second, thats a good start… Im gorgeous… you put yourself to work hard, all day long, and make a lot of money, a lot is a ton since mexican coins are worthless… that would have taken a lot of time… because you took the way you wanted to enjoy, but here you got a bigger goal, you become greedy, ambitious, live by the rules of the normals… yuck, youre the crazy one… it will all pay off… but theres a stop flag, I always get sick, seriously sick, Im near the deathbed… take energies from the normals, that would work… no way, Ill die poisoned… you wouldnt because of your main goal, it will keep you alive no matter what… lets say I become a normal… pfff! ok, yes… and then, what?… you go to college, make connections, get a good job, spend money the least possible, make that piggy be stuffed like the pig it is… I dont have one of those… then comes the good part, the easy obvious part… what if I cannot make money?… you know people love you when you please them… that sounded disgusting… whatever it takes, but big, not just a hit and run… ok, then what?… its not necessary to go that way but it would speed things up greatly… then what?!… you watch her… ok… you study her and everything she does… sick, but ok… prepare your pretty money and a visa, maybe just tourist, youll be able to get it then… I wont be sneaking at the border?… no, thats for plebs, you are someone now… yeeeeey, then what? Im getting bored… little Reo becomes a beginner art promoter… I came with that idea before but you said it was no good… because you had to steal everything, here the stuff is yours, and you are somebody… youre just stealing my idea… its not like you need to be a true art promoter, you play a persona and call the small production studio, you said you loved what they have done and ask if they can communicate you with their accountant or lawyer, cause you want to make a donation to the project… would that work?… everybody loves money, you ask for information and such, and of course you say that you love the work of a certain actress… yuck, this is getting… you keep your illness to yourself and put your nicest smile on, everybody likes you, they may need a hand with some work so you help for free, because you are investing in the project and… yes, blabla… and theeeeeen!… aaahh! Im so scared!… when you meet her and have a chance to… dont kill her!… tell her very politely about a normal and not creepy at all story of your lost family, apologize for being rude, say that she looks familiar and finally ask if she knows something, that you would be eternally grateful or whatever, you can cry a little like the wimp you are… Im already crying… wonderful, right?… oh, so simple…
hehehe, hahahahaha… I never thought of being a nice and normal person… because youre an idiot… hahaha… hahahahahahaha… theres something… hahah what?… exactly, what then? whats next?… you find happiness, happy… no, I find an answer that I dont know if is true… eh?… she could notice who I am and play dumb to defend herself… eh?… I may creep her out, shes going to think that I donated just to get close and believe Im dangerous, she wont share anything with me… eh? no, its not like that… why do you talk about the middle of the story like its the happy end of the world?… when I find her I will be happy, forever happy, I just need to find her! what do you not understand?! gggrrrrr… and then what?… gggrrrrrrr… lets say she is our beloved cousin… sister… sister… husband… husband… myself, shes myself, shes everything I am! bububububu… aaahh…
bububububu… lets say she is… she is… she would be the great witch of hate and envy… so what, Im not scared, and dont talk like that or Ill rip your head off… Im sure you can defeat the witch, but you wont your own hate and envy now… Im perfect, Ill do everything… you could if you were by yourself, but theres a little girl you want to take care of… I wont be forgotten… see? It would only lead to a tragedy… so what?! I dont care, Ill be happy, Ill never ever forever leave her side, Im gonna fusion my skin with her, and my organs, everything… do you want you become her?… yes! everything! no, wait, I dont, I like myself, I want to be me… lets say she is not, then what?… I would go completely crazy in despair, nothing would hold me… I know, and that leads to the nuthouse… ooohh… and you know what happens there… I have fun screaming at the loonies… you get trapped, nearly die, an arm above the last wave and she still does not come, in the last moment you create me, you become a meatball and change your body, just to be able to transmit the energies to our body, to move and avoid death once again, as you hide while you sleep, forever sleep… bu bu, but your not making me cry, and youre confusing everything, while youre talking to the actress youre supposed to be you, not me… anyway, that leads to a bad ending, baaaaaad ending… hehehe, but that was cute… shall I start now?… is it what? Wingless?… yes, Wingless.
Wingless ch 04
Im so bored, another dull and neverending recess with nothing to do, this college is much better than the last one, a large place with tall trees, and waaay smaller crowd, theres barely any people here in comparison, cheaper, I got a scholarship instead of a lousy credit, and not like those first semester only discounts the others got, mine is for good, there are also students working all day or evening, after or before their classes, must be horrible, all for a scholarship I got by just being me, I dont have to move a finger, for whatever reason, I wouldnt do what they do if I had to, thats such an awful life, I keep watching them and, yuck, so terrible, I would die then.
The religious people running this place are the same from highschool, even with all the trouble I caused, all of that, they must really like me for, I dont know, why do they keep supporting me after all I have done? and Im sure a lot of people do not like me, and, meh, I dont want to think about it. Here is much closer to home, I only have to take one bus, yet its sooo annoying, I wish I had a way to play games here, by now I have tried so many things yet nothing has worked, it all end up the same way, with me moving away cause it has nothing to do with me, Im so bored, Im soooo bored, I hate it here, I wish there was a better place for me to be, yet I cannot think of any, I wish I was home, at least I would feel more stable.
I already tried talking to her, she has a boyfriend whose gonna have sex with on valentines, she told me all about it, shes very nervous, she wanted to rehearsal with me, shes not attractive but I kinda like her, I would be ok with it, but, ahhhg, its just not happening, I dont see myself doing it, at all, it would be great Im sure, yet, I dont feel like I want to live that story, aint that kind of stuff what Im supposed to be happy about?
I already tried talking to her too, since our little date at the park in front of the main gate, and, ahg, I feel weird, its like she wanted me to get inside her mind, yet her vibration was so different, it was not for me to be there, shes good looking and nice, but, intimacy with her its not something I would be looking for, she has a boyfriend already, so.
Oh, her, Im sick of her, I wish I never met her, Im not talking to her again.
About her, ever since I didnt have sex with her at her house, shes been avoiding me, I guess she only keeps talking to me cause were in the same classroom, I dont get it, we were talking so nicely to each other all day, why did she wanted to stop? she has mentioned a million times about her sexual frustrations, but, ahg, if its just sex you can do it whenever, I thought we were becoming friends, for real, do I really look like some hormonal driven idiot? shes never being that smart, maybe I misunderstood everything, aint she the new one that the illusion of love fell upon when I arrived here? I havent even think of the other girls it happened with by now, this is such a mess, I dont love anybody, I cant connect with people, at most its such a shallow feeling of myself, Im not happy here, maybe I should move somewhere else, people here are too stiff, I need an easygoing place where people take it easy, not all of these pretentious crap.
Im so bored, I normally stayed outside by the trees, but I dont want anybody to see me, they all think Im very strange by now, I dont want to vent that fire; the library is so boring, I already went through all the books of both libraries and nothing interesting was there, its always the same polite, society driven stuff, its useless, I wanted some good answers of why people behave this way, so lifeless, there was nothing, I read so many books that there were piles, the clerk was amazed seeing me, but there was nothing, nothing of my interest; the computer room is worthless, the internet connection is dead and the machines ancient, I dont even want to collect stuff to take home, seems so bothersome, and youre not even supposed to do it, theres no point anyway; today I stayed in an empty classroom, with the pretext of doing my undone homework, I never do it anyway, one day I just stopped, again like in all the other schools, such a waste of time, Im already here all morning, I wont sacrifice more, Im not doing the missing homework right now either, I just wanted a place to be, yet its so boring that I keep coming out and look away, there are some girls playing, by now they must think Im interested in one of them cause I keep looking, I do cause theyre playing ball or something, I wish I was playing, something fun, of course theres no way for me to get close and play with them, since they will think its personal, they dont look bad but, its not about that, though maybe I should really get a girlfriend, I really want to have sex with them, I just, ahg, this is so useless.
Around here theres nothing, I already went all around, nothing, theres the Sun mall kinda near, but theres nothing there, and most stores are closed until noon, well, theres food, but I dont have any money to keep buying, besides I cannot eat to solve my boredom, thats just sick, I remember when I got suspended in middle school for three days, I said nothing home, each day packed milk and cookies, instead of walking school I took a bus to the Suns mall, there was absolutely nothing to do, I just waited there like some idiot, the stores were so boring, by the third day I had enough, I bought some chips, soda and a movie ticket at 12:30pm, the movie had big adds, I watched them for two days, when I finally went to the cinema at the underground mini mall behind the Suns mall, it was so boring, I felt depressed when I ate all of the chips, it was supposed to be fun, all of it, a great runaway in secret, it was so boring, I hated it, there was nothing for me to do. When did that happened? how many years? like five? only five? it felt like another life, I really hate all of these, but I must make it all up somehow, this is my life after all.
Wingless ch 05
Finally at home, in my room, every now and then I just get enough of everything, so I leave and go home, I usually do it at 12pm, I say a loud and proud “thats it” and quickly go to the parking car exit, theres still another class that I miss, and then for some reason, theres a two hours english class, for someone who already knows english this is a living hell, and no one really cares, the teacher keeps having a hard time trying to make people pay attention, he really wants to at least have interesting conversations, in english of course, yet nobody wants too, I kinda like him, much more than all grey dudes I get in my english grade, but at that time is really hard for me to be supportive, Im sleepy and hungry, I barely have any breakfast, I dont have money to buy food, at that hour Im very tired already and I dont care either cause of my own problems, I hate english class, I keep dropping it, I dont know why I didnt fail last semester.
Its always being tough, I feel so out of place, ever since high school, I can remember being hungry while watching the others eat or buy food, I do have some money, but if I spend it as I think I should, I wont even have for the bus back home, at least in middle school I lived three blocks away, I still do, I just dont go there anymore. So ever since I have just dealt with the hunger and kept going, eventually I forget it and move on, I dont know where I get the energies, this is really troublesome. The time between high school and the first college was very good, cause I made some money to spend on food and ate at home properly, it was supposed to be only half, but it went for a full year cause the courses didnt start until september, I really liked it back then, I got hopes of going to college being better, but it hasnt so far.
That year by myself worked wonderful, the difference between me before when I went to highschool and after when I went to the first college was huge, I was much more stable and happy, my conversations made sense, I had a much better shape, it didnt last long though, the rough times at the first college were too hurtful, not that it was that bad, at least for everybody else, but I really wish I didnt went there, I had nothing to do there, I hate it so much, it all went really wrong.
First, there wasnt a direct bus there, the same year I stared to go, the bus line that did went broke because of some frauds, there was another covering for them but they were always sooo late, it didnt matter what hour I got to the bus stop, it was always late and I was too for the classes, it gave me so much problems, it ruined my mood since early morning, I hate to get up early, but thats another story. Second, I never felt easy with the debt piling up, how am I supposed to pay all that money? I rather dont do anything than having to pay that, its insane, I have no way of making money, I never had, but in my house they told me that they were going to pay it, they didnt nor do have the money, eventually I left and we never paid that, Im so glad, I wish I never went there, the one thats supposed to be my aunt warned the one thats supposed to be my mother, but she didnt care cause the one thats supposed to be my sister finished her college there, shes so stubborn and arrogant so many times, it only leads to trouble, I just wanted to be there cause the highschool girl I fell in love with was there, yet when I saw her I never wanted to get close, well, thats another story too, its funny cause I made such a big drama when we were going our separate ways, and then, when it actually happened I felt nothing, not even denial, I didnt care for her, so I rejected her, and now I got what I think are my normal feelings for her, I do like her, I get nostalgic, but not that much, I can easily forget about her, I wonder why I did all of that just for her, she wasnt that close to me after all.
And later I separated as well from that girl I met in that first college, she was so different, not that sophisticated but much more easygoing, I still see her but, its been so long of us knowing each other that I dont think anything is going to happen, to know that she wanted to have a baby with me, in her small trap to make some dude get married to her, so she could forget about work and studies, its going very bad for her now, it was such an awful decision, Im glad I didnt follow.
But thats not the worst of the first college, I though I was so strong, but it was false, not all but most, all the health problems started, should I say started then? its like I lived all of my life with it and I just noticed, this is very strange, still to this day I feel the same, Im stable now, but, I always thought what I felt was normal, it turned out that it wasnt.
Wingless ch 06
One of the things I like it more about being home its that I can comfortably go to the bathroom as much as I want, I have a very good stomach, it never gives me problems, though I keep eating kinda the same food all the time, its my kidneys that became very active, its difficult to find a bathroom outside when its needed, or in the middle of some class, of course they let me go most of the times, but it gets annoying having to ask again and again, I just go anyway without saying a word.
Its not like Im sick of my kidneys, on the contrary, it makes me feel much better, it started at late highschool when I began to drink water, I almost never did, its like some body functions went back to life, I felt much more awake, back then it wasnt much of a social bother, maybe because I just didnt care and went to the bathroom any time I wanted, then it happened again when I was my in home year, at the first college it kind of interrupted, with a bunch of other health problems, now at the second college I keep going again, theres not much people attending so its not that troublesome, its been ok but not like in my room at all.
It all went really bad in that first college, mentally and physically, there was a lot of anxiety from me, being in a wrong place, it was just the beginning and there was so many problems with money and inadequate habits, emotional too, there was no way I was going to stand all of the four or more years, it was sort of the same when in highschool, but at the first college I was more aware of the surroundings and what was going on, it was so awful, not only on the outside, inside my body as well, I never noticed before how did my brain worked, it was so normal for me all those years, then I could tell, my right side is not really working, its there but, for some time I thought I got a big brain tumor, but its not that, its actually like a huge trauma, though I never ever hit my head in my life, I have no idea of how could it happened, its all numb and I cant think with that side, it hurts to the touch, the injury is very large, how come I never noticed before?! this is so complicated, one day to wake up and its happening, though it always did, I just didnt figure it out for some reason.
How can I still be like normal for so long? how it was possible for me to do my everyday stuff? I can feel my right side, yet I cannot create thoughts nor anything with it, sometimes the pressure its too much and feels like bursting, from what I can tell, my left side has mirrored the right, and kept going on as normal, when did this happened? sounds too big for not knowing, I have no idea, Ive never been in an accident or such in my life.
It didnt stopped there, the anxiety kept building up, and so my pulse, it started when I was going to the first college, but it burst later when I was at home still poisoned from it, and it all, it was, so weird cause, what happened is that my blood pressure became very strong, once I thought it was the anxiety, and it was but, theres something else, such strength, I could feel it along with a huge imbalance, I kept having those unintelligible desires, and my body felt like numb and bursting, of course I couldnt tell anybody, I dont like doctors, I also dont have the money for them, theres no one to talk to, its all myself, like it has always been, all of my life I have healed myself, and this was not the exception.
One day I really wanted to die, I had this incredibly strong and stable emotions inside me, it was a great storm between my life and the silent forces inside me, dead was not an escape nor whatever, it was actually fun, for some abstract reason it was something nice to do, to live through, I wanted to, I supported the forces inside me to break everything around, why? because it truly felt good and fun, no nagging, no crying, no pushing, nothing else, I could see a good way of living in myself, but such a big storm brought destruction in its path which was my body, so my arteries started to rip, it was kind of the same with my head, except that those werent torn before, then I could feel them, going to my head, belly and both arms, a sharp pain in every one of them at some location, the weird fluid sensation, attaching arms to torso, and finally stop moving, to a dream and a purplish stain around the nipples, somedays too large, others not much, it kept happening in a controlled way for months, even a year, and it was completely normal, eventually the stain reduced and disappeared, seemed like scars covered the tears, yet those were still broken, the scars are not that strong, an incorrect movement or a direct hit and the arteries may rip again.
I really though I was practically dead, yet I continued living, it feels very weird cause I never made the decision by myself, I just woke up one day and I was living the structures of, something different.
One day I bought a large pizza because I thought it was the last day, the last night, not that those are that big, what was and actually happened was the indigestion next morning, eehh, so stupid, though tasty.
Wingless ch 07
To think he is the same boy from the stories before, to travel and to crush, but theres a main difference to be seen, there he had a passion in his heart, and even to give his life away, here is like a living corpse, I always thought Wingless was for the lack of power, now I realize is from the lack of life.
It always feels better at home, not that I have fun things or something to do, all I have is second or third hand stuff, theres some old deteriorated furniture, old used up bed, old blurry tv, most of the clothes are good and new, the room walls are stained, the bathroom equipment is rusty and leaks, theres a half box of cookies in the closet, the entrance door is falling apart, its a big room but I have nothing to fill it with, and I cant think of anything, I do collect everything that ends up here forgotten, it is here cause nobody else wanted it, many times I dont want it either, I just keep it in case is needed someday, I dont know if Im going to be able of getting it again.
Theres a computer downstairs, I have a lot of fun playing with it, but its kind of a pause from my normal activities not part of it, Im the only one who uses it now, its kind of old, I wish I had it here in my room, but everybody thinks its important and expensive so dont want me with it, they say Im going to break it, meh, what can you do.
I do create a lot of games with what I have, sometimes I play ball, others whatever I can imagine, all while waiting for something good on tv to watch.
Sometimes I see porn on the computer, if theres an internet connection, some months there is and others dont, I obviously have no money to pay for it, whatever I like I keep on burned cds and store them in my room, I have no way of reading the disks with my hand, but I just put them in the closet, oh! but its not pornography, its other stuff, I think porn is bad, like evil or something, thats what everybody around me thinks too, when I watch it I like it for, eh, its not really that I want a relationship with those girls, or maybe I do, I have found out that it is a pleasure thing, something that feels good in the middle of all the painful emotions, like scratching when its itchy, you keep doing it and feels good.
I did had a girlfriend, but not really, she was a girl from highschool, kind of good looking but at the same time ugly, I dont know, she used to have a lot of boyfriends before but quit, and then she met me that way, she lives near another friend I frequent and, I guess she liked me and I was there, I did touched her, we did kiss, she did touch me, but nothing happened, mmm, I must say, I kind of unplugged, I used to blame it on her being so difficult, but it was, actually me, I guess, I lost what everybody else says it the best thing ever, I should have just taken her, I could have had tons of sex and become a great man, yet, Im not sure I wanted her as my girlfriend, I, Im not sure why am I doing this, all of these.
I think the main problem is money, since I dont have any, and the little I can get I keep it to myself, the girls dont stick with me after a while, Im gonna blame it on that, if I had money they would stay beyond the bad periods, I cannot be in the same mood all the time, and I dont think theyre worth for giving the last I have, its a huge turn off when they get greedy, and that happens all the time, I feel like nobody wants to play with me, they want to play with popularity and money.
So mostly I stay in this room and play whatever I can, every week I look at my old wallet, theres my id, the social security paper where it says the number, I dont really need it, I got it when I pretended to work, but I keep it there; a phone card I found on the ground with a credit of six pesos, I dont really have anyone to call so I dont think Im ever going to use it; and finally like two hundred or luckily three hundred pesos in cash, every week that I look at my wallet I get worry and the thought of immediately getting a job passes through my mind, yet it is useless, and its the same every week, at the end I just stop worrying, spend nothing and keep doing what Im doing, waiting for a good tv show to see.
I still have a couple of male friends from highschool, theyre kind of lets say not popular, contrary of what everybody wanted me to hang around with, including the girl I liked then and her friends that got annoyed by it but later didnt mind, theyre smarter than the average, and I had fun with then, well, kind of, were very different and it gets difficult, yet we have kept seeing each other after some years. Now that I remember, in highschool there was a nice teacher that was intelligent and spoke interesting things, a total opposite of what everybody else was doing, I really liked him, it was nice to hear him talk. I started to chat with him, then my friends, eeh, so called friends stuck and talked too, it was a nice but very weak and disintegrated community. Now I only see two of them, the ones I call friends, I see them on the weekends or sort, I wish they were more committed to do fun stuff, but they hold back all the time, even with their own wishes.
Wingless ch 08
Nobody knows, I wouldnt dare to tell anyone, not that I hold secrecy of my previous lets say craziness, I would never hold back, but for this one I do for some reason, its my more intimate secret, somehow. Its not that much of importance, it, it doesnt even matter, its kind of like nothing, I guess.
After I finished highscool and was in my home year, then is when I first saw her, at the tv, in a show about, ahg, it was a show my so called mother liked, watched everyday and bragged about, I didnt care for it until I watched her there, and then I was too a fan of the show, though not really, only hers.
I wish I could have made cds like with other computer stuff, but I couldnt watch it there and didnt know how to get them, there was an old vhs with my old box tv, so I bought tapes to record her shows and other stuff I liked, eventually it was all her, one tape after another, it ended up as a couple of precious tiny mountains, though one day the vhs broke and I had no way of looking at the low quality recordings of her, I felt sick of it so I thought it was ok, I just kept the tapes in the best place of my closet.
About her, shes very pretty, very very beautiful, incredibly, and, and, everything good I can think about, I know it sounds ridiculous to say that way, like some fool in love, the problem is that I have in my head a huge description for her, which kinda worries me a lot, I dont want to go crazy of something that just appeared in my mind one day, I never say it but Im actually scared of whats going on, and a little scared of her, somehow, shes kind and graceful, yet Im scared she might hurt me, really bad when she finds out Im seeing her, ahg, I better forget about that, its just some classic paranoia, nothing more, though I cannot see the logic of it, everything has its causes but I cant see what provokes this, so strange, I am proud of not being normal, but I never done something that goes so faraway.
Anyway, keeping the happy thoughts, it was extremely fun to watch her on tv, and very sad and frustrating when it ended, I always wanted more and more, I have her on tape, but those are the same scenes I have watched a million times, Im always glad to see new ones, and afraid as well, of seeing something different than a deep emotion in my mind, something I cannot figure out, but so far its been good, I, I dont know why I am doing this, sometimes doesnt scare but makes me cry, why is all of this happening, why her? why now? I know its not the first time Ive deluded myself, yet I always ended up seeing those girls for who they were, I wonder if it will happen again, now with the actress, the lovely, cute and charming actress, I, I think I fell in love with her, but how? not to be rude, I love her, but how? how is it possible? after struggling with my emotions, at the last moment I give up, not finding an answer, I love that actress, I wish I was near her.
By the way, I dropped of college, again, I failed some classes cause of the absences, Ive been feeling very bad in the mornings and can barely wake up, I even helped the teachers by giving classes to the bored to death students, yet I was the one to fail for something so stupid, they said they needed a doctor certificate, and I hated it, I made a document saying that I could help teaching activities to other students after school for free, as long as they had some patience with my problems, of course they didnt care, they kept giving the faculty decision to another, to later complain to the one who made it, so I dropped, happily did, screw those idiots, Im not going to die for them, I am tired of sweating all the time there, and looking weird cause it was more from the right armpit than the left, I even thought of wearing diapers under my arms, Im so glad to be gone, I didnt liked anybody there, and nobody liked me, it was worthless.
I could get away with this cause I planned before, when I saw the troubles coming, it was obvious cause I used to get seriously ill yet there was no support anywhere, one time I missed like a week and nobody cared, my idiotic so called mother kept sending me to school, it didnt mattered if it was pouring rain and the avenue was flooded, everyone in this dumb pathetic town knows that the Suns mall gets heavily flooded, but what can you expect from someone who doesnt care about you and in that shape sees you as a burden.
Theres a cheap college very near home, I wont need to take the bus, its one block away from the Stars park and from the massage place where that blonde girl was murdered. I lost another year of college cause they wont count the classes I did before, but its ok, the cheap college course is one year shorter, Ill finish even sooner, and yes, its very cheap in comparison, not even with the scholarship was this cheap, in my house they dont have any money so they gladly accepted, and I dropped college once again, happily did.
Theres still only 200 hundred pesos in my wallet, everybody says to think of the future, I, I dont think I can see past this very day, I dont think theres anything beyond the night, I get very dizzy, I, I have done good, to get out of that place, before it was too late, now will be nice at the new college.
Wingless ch 09
I thought it was going to be better, but it was worse, now I know why it is a cheap college. There are a lot of differences, some much better, many awful, at the second college I kept comparing it with the first, now I keep comparing the third with the second, Im never happy about those places.
What I have really liked is that the cheap school is more practical, I already learned useful stuff, not just academic and moral, the teachers are actual lawyers with teaching as a second job to get some extra money, they get bored by the school program and start to talk about their experiences and work. The place is much smaller, the desks are a metal chair with a table attached, very uncomfortable, the people just horrible, I thought they were going to be more humble cause of being poorer, but theyre more greedy and bitter, without a care for anything that aint money or their version of good time, I totally do not fit there.
As usual, I get so bored that I go outside, I already met a couple of highschool girls there, cause theres a highschool as well, with one it went fine but since I didnt paid her for anything she followed her own way, that was annoying and Im glad nothing happened. Escaping from classes is something I have done since I can remember, but now is very different, cause Im so close to home and the school is a big house adapted for it, I literally have no place to go, theres a tiny library no one ever sets foot in, a bunch of tables on the middle with some useless bookcases by the walls, you cant even hide to be with yourself for a moment, and theres no other place in the small school, normally I would go out but those are my home territories, theres no point, I might as well just go home and get done with it, I usually do anyway, the classes end at 12pm but Im home by 10:30am, saying that it ended earlier, going upstairs and having breakfast while watching whatever I can find on tv, its like I never even went to school in the first place, whats the point then?! though feels nicer to end that hell earlier.
The actress, the beautiful actress I watched on tv, I still do watch her, but, its so painful, after such a long while I, I realized that, I am never going to meet her, I may be able to watch her on tv and see her photos and info from the internet, yet, its just light from a monitor, sound from a speaker, data from a wire, shes not here, she never was, she has no idea of who am I cause I am no one at all, lost in this pitiful world. I wonder why did I get so attached to her in the first place, and a bigger question is, how is it possible that it still goes on after such a long time? I know its wrong and crazy, I know she has nothing to do with me, that shes married and has children, her own friends and family, I do not exist in that world, I dont know why but it tears me apart, it makes no sense, even saying Im completely crazy makes no sense, I would gladly walk into one of the local mental institutions if they werent so awful and full of the wrong answers, Im aware of everything, I accept defeat and my lousy life, but even so it never goes away, I realize that it must be something else, its not about some actress I watch on tv and, I dont even have dreams about her with me, I have never imagined myself having sex with her, not even hanging around, in my dreams I only see her but I dont see me, how could that be? its not like I want to be an actress, nor famous, not even rich, I would have done something here.
Theres something about her, or what I think is her, I have read the abstract thought a million times yet never been able to decode it, now it rips my insides everytime I see her, so I stop and turn away with tears in my eyes, eventually I check on her again, whatever I can get from so faraway, maybe if there wasnt internet I would have stopped already and forgot about her, this is so huge and out of my reach that it keeps dragging me from one emotion to another, its out of my mind, like wind in the storm, pulled away by the moon, as she sweetly gains control, “what are you going to do with your emotions, that you barely recognize?” at the end is that, theres no point trying to change what has happened, I need to figure out some way of keep going in the middle of this vicious whirlwind tearing me apart, I can do everything, Im sure of that, but I dont know what to do.
Not that I havent tried, I even created another Illusion of Love from another girl on tv, shes redhead, for some reason I thought I really liked redheads when I was younger, she is in a show about, ahg, it didnt work at all, I do like her, I think shes great but, I found out my normal feelings for her, I just like her, thats it, I dont have any romantic feelings for her, I tried for a long while but there aint any, it was such horrible news cause it could only mean one thing, go back to the actresses grasp, not to sound rude but Im extremely sick of her by now, I wish I never found her.
Wingless ch 10
I have changed schools again, this time is different, I didnt lose the course I just did like always, the cheap college has many franchises along the city, I got sick of the one I was and changed for another near my second college, passing the Suns mall, why would I change a place thats three blocks away from my home? cause it is in the afternoon, I no longer have to wake up early, I like it much better being out in the evening, and that place has more people, it sure will be nicer; thats what I thought, it did was better but still the same, its always the same. In a coincidence, a classmate girl also changed schools, I developed a little Illusion of Love for her, but it wasnt really, anything, I dont think I even like her, its just not happening anymore.
Its been better yet theres still a lot of problems, by now I have already lost my patience with stupid schools, luckily its been the best college so far, it has helped to endure the year Ive been there, barely, I missed so much classes but was able to pass, when I first came in it was the second course, I did it all four months, got sick of it and temporarily went off for the next four months, of course I hid it from my so called mother, I was nice enough to not ask for the college money, just for the buses, she didnt question me anyway, those next four months I kept going around town, its not interesting but its much better than that lousy school, I even took some big books from downstairs and sold them downtown for a hundred pesos each. I dont remember well but I think I chose xmas time, by the first week of the third month I said it was over and that I was on vacation, so I happily stayed home without a care until the next year.
When I came back to school I met new people at a new classroom, there were more adults and the social environment was much better, yet it was the same as always, I was already sick of everything and kept distracting myself, every day I could go somewhere else I was happy, I did a bunch of different things and tried to keep going on with my life.
By the second month I really wanted to move forward, so I played as if I was a lawyer already, eventually I got a couple of cases nobody else wanted cause those were practically lost, but I could convince the clients to go on, and a teacher to help me out and divide the money we could get, I did got a little money, but the cases were lost already, there was nothing one could do.
By the third month, a so called classmate male friend talked to me about a situation he had, since he knew what I did and saw me like someone who knew what to do, he asked me for help about a case he supposedly had, his brother had helped a senior citizen that was abused by a fake charity, they put him in the middle of streets and malls begging people for money, many tried to help him in his deplorable condition, but the only one who could got him out of there was the so called friends brother. They denounced what happened but nothing really went on, the gov office in charge of charities retired their permission but didnt stop their operation, and the old dude got a spot at a so called nice true charity nuns place, with no coin in his pocket which he desperately needed, those places do not really support you as they should, as there is a payroll and such to sustain instead, and that was it, all the torture meant nothing against the big corruption. Then the friend took a bribe from the fake charity people, they taped him and denounced him back, but that didnt stopped me, for some reason I just kept pushing it and putting everyone in their proper place, at the end of many months I was alone doing a social activity, so I just stopped myself, eventually it was the key to leave school forever, I guess thats it.
About school, and everything, its something to be forgotten as soon as I can, elementary school was a slumber jail of stupidity, first I was the smart and handsome kid, then the bitter bored one; middle school was the beginning of the lost path, doing the most ridiculous thing ever, confessing my so called love to a dumb female teacher; highschool was pretentious crap, with a one sided relationship only worth when convenient; first college was a painful hell, deep into sickness that destroyed the Illusion of Strength; second college was fake stability, a slow fire on a candle about to completely melt; third college was the last unwanted chance of something despised.
After all the years, people and events, all the emotions and everyday awakening in the morning, its hard to think of anything truly worth, Im not that kind of pessimistic, yet now I realize that everything I ever thought to be normal and a must happen in the world, it was all false, it has nothing to do with me, I cant believe it took me this long to figure it out, the endless nights of weird dreams, the countless days of wasting time, I know that this is not supposed to be after all, yet I dont know what it should, cause there must be somewhere and somehow, I am a person after all, tearing apart further everytime I think about it, and I havent even find out why, I remember the days when my arteries started to rip, I was ready to die, I never knew why I was happy, I am not suicidal at all, but then that night and the next morning, the only thing that happened was a bad too much pizza indigestion, I got sad at the end, while eating the pizza, the scar process started and a new wave of energies pushed me forward, again, I know it all but I dont know why, and now, at this point in my life, I feel like everything I was supposed to live is in the past, I cannot see beyond the days night, this dream, this life, this breathe, its all over, and Im glad it is, but again, I dont know why, maybe I should just close my eyes and, and fall asleep, to, to dream, to dream again, aint those fun? those little dreams, the ones outside the storm, wouldnt, “wouldnt it be funny if I died in this dream before I can make another one up? nobody called, and nobody came.”
…Hey, you, are you ok? hehehe…